Come and Gone.

I can't believe Christmas is already come and gone. I can't believe I am getting married in less than a month. It feels so strange but so exciting. I put together our schedule for the following week together and realized even with me having an entire week off I have no idea how we are going to get everything done. I feel like we started the trip off resting, recuperating. Jon is something else when he is jet lagged and I am still swollen and in very much pain. We have like 24 car options now and after praying about it we still don't have a conclusion. It is super fascinating. And instead of figuring it out we're watching Law and Order:SVU with Roberto :) and I like that quite a lot.

Helpless as a baby.

My mom feeds me with baby spoons because I can't open my jaw big enough for a regular one. My dad walks me down the stairs because Im too dizzy when I get up. It's a good time.

Wisdom Teeth.

Well after getting 4 impacted wisdom teeth out I sit here on vicodin. I had the wrong impression about it. I thought it was going to take the pain away. I thought it was going to make me loopy, tired and comfortable. All of which are untrue. I just finished watching Little Women. A fantastic movie. A classic. I love it. It makes me love my sisters all the more.

I will vent a little bit about my experience today at the dentist. As they started me on laughing gas my arms started going numb. The more numb they went the more I had to pee. I pondered to myself if I should say something or my body would just know to not pee my pants. I didn't want to risk it. I cautiously walked to the bath and tried to control the shaking of my body. As I made it back to the chair and started breathing in the gas again they dentist and hygienist came and sat next to me. As they made me open my mouth I flipped out inside. I wanted to yell and tell them I am far too conscious for them to start anything. After the started working a little they asked me how the gas was making me feel. I asked if I was going to be this conscious during the entire thing... and they said yes. I was not okay with that. I gagged, my tears watered, I squeezed some ladies hand. The drilling and banging around inside my mouth was unbearable. I felt like such a huge nasty wimp. But feeling him digging around inside of me was just the stupidest idea ever. They kept telling me to breathe more through my nose. Let me say that while your mouth is wide open, with what feels like 18 hands pulling my lips ways theyre not supposed to go and trying to hold your head still despite the pulling and prying is not at all simple. He kept saying "more aesthetic" and every time he said it I liked him more and more. They kept telling me to let my mind drift off to my wedding plans. Not helpful. Finally after what seemed like both teeth were removed from the right side he said, "ready for the last three?" I thought it was a joke. But it wasn't. I vowed to take the remainder of the time and use it to worship Jesus. I said Emily, pretend your being tortured for your faith. Haha. Looking back I guess that gas really did help a little. So as they began away on my second tooth I started singing in my mind, "Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty. Who was and is and is to come." I thought about Jaime and how we said that over and over again for an hour one time. So I prayed for Jaime. And I prayed for Jonathon a super lot. And thinking about Jonathon I thought about "You're Beautiful" by Phil Wickham, how we're going to use that song for worship in our wedding. So for the next three teeth I just sang "You're Beautiful" and "Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty" over and over and over again. And as I sang in my mind I realized how many different levels of thoughts I have. Which is weird. Like I would be singing that, and than I would have a thought over that, like at the same time. It must have been the gas. But as I sang I thought, I wonder how God views worship when you are on laughing gas. And than I trumped that thought by realizing that God searches the heart and draws his worship from there and the gas isn't effecting my heart. And then I reached up and felt my heart beat and knew it was effecting my heart. But I couldn't tell if it was making it faster or slower. And it turned into a crazy theological debate with myself while still not stopping singing simultaneously in my mind. I didn't know that was possible. But it was. And it was crazy. And I realized what was happing and started writing a blog in my head. And it was all very screwy. And I decided I would lose my mind if I was addicted to drugs that did this to me every single day. After two teeth, they gave my jaw a break. So thoughtful. I had to pee again. It was ridiculous. I planned to hold it until I realized that last time I peed it was 915 and now it was 1105 and I was only halfway done. So I very apologetically asked to pee. She made me go in their bathroom in the back because they gave me two pills under my tongue since I was fighting off the aesthetic or something. When the whole thing was finally said and done I wrote notes on a yellow post it. I told her it was a lot worse than I expected. She said it was for her too, asked if my dentist told me but it was the worst theyd ever seen. Fascinating. I asked if it was because of my horrible gagging reflexes or the actual teeth. She said my teeth. And they gave me the amount of gas theyd give a 200 lb man. So cool. I wish I was knocked out. But $392 later I sit here in pain and annoyance with pees on my cheeks. About to watch Elf with my parents and Angela. Would you believe I even miss my babies in all this? I miss my babies so much.

Living with a boy.

I am so excited to live with a boy.

But I will miss talking to Jaime at night and getting the giggles that I try to contain in my chest so I don't keep her awake but somehow she hears them when they don't come out even.

She is great.

It's fun having a girl soul mate.

It's even more fun living with a girl soul mate.

Washington DC phone call.

I woke up to a call at 520 from some troop photo booth in Kuwait. The 2 minutes we got to talk was such a tease but totally worth it. I have missed his voice so much and its only been two days. I couldnt go back to sleep now because on top of missing him I had a dream that I text Nicole to see if I could come over and she said no she had too much cancer. Last I checked she didn't have cancer so I called her. Angela answered her phone and said Nicole was having surgery to get cancer removed and no one knew if she was going to make it. So I yelled at Angela asking her why I didn't know she had cancer and she said no one did, Nicole found out and kept it a secret so we wouldn't be sad. And now she was going to die. What a jerk. Then I sat there trying to find an encouraging Bible verse to send to Nicole and they were all about dying. Annoying. So sufficient to say; Im awake. An hour earlier than I wanted. Ive worked out, showered and am going to go sit at Starbucks and read my Bible or something forever until work.

Irma.

I am in Barnes and Noble waiting for my fantastic brother in law to figure my car out because I can't do it on my own. Well, he called me and told me what issues I had going on... And I just sat here with people all around me and started laughing because I have no idea what he's talking about. And the saddest news of all is that all the guys at the shop laughed at the prospect of her driving to California. I need something with my exhaust because that rock that hit me was huge. And there is something wrong with my car that starts with a "c" that costs about $600 to repair and I can't afford that so now I am hoping she just makes it till we find a new car. Oh joys. I love that there is not snow right now and all because well. I don't like super cold. But since Christmas is here in one week I can't really fathom it because there's no snow here. And I am getting married. Eek. And I love 1 Chronicles 29:14 a lot. And I never wash my hair even though it's short. Jon told me that will change once we're married. But unless he learns to blow dry my hair he's totally wrong. And someone just told me I'd be a good mom and my heart leaped. Literally leaped. Don't tell Jonathon. He's still scared of babies :)

To Do Lists.

To do lists are my best friend right now.

I love post it notes.

And I drink too much coffee.

I am sad Christmas Eve services ruined Luke 2 for me.

I read it today.

It's amazing.

Just absolutely amazing.

It's so sad it's only read once a year.

California Living.

I have determined that I want people to come visit us all of the time. And if people come visit us all of the time then I will learn how to drive out there because I will pick them up from the airport and drive them to all of the fantastic beaches and such.

I want to be a hospitable wife.

I am already writing grocery lists in my head and planning out meals.

I have major issues.

Not waking up to a text or email from Jonathon tomorrow morning is going to be so sad.

I want nothing to do with buying a car and just driving Irma forever.

Jon would kill me. But I am pretty sure I want to drive her to California.

I know she would make it.

We have a whole week. We'd give her breaks. And when she doesn't make it.

Well. We walk. Or rent a truck. Or just smile. I like smiling.

But she'd make it I just know she has it in her.

I mean come on, she only has 59000 miles on her.

I should be sleeping right now.

But I just am realizing how much I have missed blogging.

And how I want to be a coupon shopper.

And how I get to be a wife soon.

And how I need to finalize my resume to get a job so we can pay our bills :)

I am so excited to live life with Jonathon.

Life is hard.

There are a lot of annoyances, pains and confusions.

But Jonathon and I are good together.

Somehow whenever I am crying, by the time I am done talking to him I am laughing my butt off. But in the middle of the crying, before the laughing part. He prays. Really great.

He just prays over me. And that helps. I like that. God is good. God likes when Jonathon prays. I just know He listens to him. Because after he prays and we talk. We laugh. God likes laughter. So he blesses us with it. And I like God for that. And people change. A lot. All of the time. And some people can't handle that so they stop liking each other. Jonathon and I tried that before. It didn't work. We are a lot different than the 17 year olds we were when we first started giving each other butterflies. Now we're 20 years old, giving each other butterflies, and totally different people. But the cool thing is. When we were 17. We were awesome. We had so much fun and we were already in love. And we're 20 now, and we're still awesome. We had times where we looked back and missed what we had. And that was good for us. Because it made us evaluate what we have now. And it's even better. But in different ways. I know we're young. But we just go. God blessed us with that. I remember sitting in Coffee Beanery two and a half years ago. On the cream couch by the front window. We talked about California. Jon's dreams. My dreams. How Jon didn't want to be married till he was 28. How I wanted to be married at 19. How long distance relationships are hard. How we were in love. And how we could marry each other. I remember sitting in my driveway in Jon's old explorer. We talked about money. How he wanted to be rich. How I wanted to be poor. And how in life those are things married people can't disagree on. And I cried a lot. Because I wanted to marry him but he wanted to be rich and I didnt so I thought we were screwed. And all of a sudden his radio turned on. And it didnt start playing, but the lights that said the station and song came on. And we read the words that said "Let Love In." The first song I ever played in his car. Our song. And I cried. And we kissed. And we said God wanted us to be together so we were just going to pray a lot and see what he wanted to do with our hearts. And he continued to mold them. I like living life with Jonathon. I even like disagreeing with him. Because when we disagree, we both pray really extra hard. And God brings us to a conclusion. And I like that about God. Being in love is great. He irritates me so much sometimes. And he tells the stupidest jokes. And he calls me bonehead lately. And when I am mad at him he wants to read the Bible with me and I always try to get out of it because I know that I am wrong in being mad and I don't want to listen to God. But he makes me. And I love that about him. I love a lot of things about him. And the cool thing about him is. Is that God created him. So there are so many things about him I don't even know yet. And all of them make me love him so much more. And for the rest of my life I get to discover amazing things about him every day! Thats so great for me. Because some of the new things I discover bother me. But they are all good in a way because God made them. Like his stupid jokes are so annoying sometimes. But sometimes when I am really sad in real life sad, like sad to my bones and hurt by the world. He decides to tell a stupid joke. And I laugh because its stupid. But I laugh. And laughing helps sad to the bone sad. And that's so good. And being called bonehead is sometimes not fun at all. But when someone calls you bonehead it opens the door to call them bonehead back. And calling someone you love a bonehead sounds funny. And saying something that sounds funny makes for a good time. And I am excited to have weird living together quirks. Like the way Jonathon cleans the shower door after every shower. And when he goes in after me he checks to make sure I did. And that's weird to me. Because he's a boy. And he shouldn't care about stuff like that. But he does. And it makes me think he's really cute. I have a lot of work I should be doing right now. But instead I am going to sleep. Ill work on work when I have to wait to get my car fixed. Because ps. a rock hurt Irma today :( So I am going to take good care of her and take her in tomorrow in case she needs to drive to California :) Shhh. Jonathon would kill me. But every time I say it it sounds better and better. Except it took 4 car loads or Irma to move to Royal Oak and I can't take 4 car loads of Irma to California.. I miss Jonathon.

USO Tour.

Well Jonathon is officially gone in the middle east playing for the troops.

Today marks the beginning of the longest time we have ever gone without speaking. In over three years. This is strange. And I already don't like it. I get to pick out our car while he's gone. And I love Irma :-) That would be a really good joke.

Babysitting.

I love everything about babysitting.

Irma.

I love my car.

I have discovered a new heat setting I didnt think worked.

It works wonders.

When I got home tonight I did not want to get out. Ever.

Whipped out the area heater thing. It's set at 90 so it better get cranking. We'll see its capabilities.

Exciting.

So it is super exciting making important decisions with Jonathon.

And being engaged costs a lot of money.

And I do not want to get my wisdom teeth out three days before Christmas and two days before Jonathon gets home.

And I am so very sick of the cold.

The Plans...

So our future will be fantastic because our God is so ridiculously in love with us. He has shown us his providence time and time again and confirmed his desire for our marriage numerous times through many people. We are so excited for what is in store. Plans change so frequently. So many different options and possibilities. But what I can say officially is that we will be getting married on January 23, 2010. Yes that is 6 weeks away. We will be packing up a truck and driving out to LA where we will move into our new apartment that has yet to be determined February 1. It is going to be so much fun and I get to live with a boy! The best boy ever at that. I get to be married! I don't know how people do long engagements. I am dying here with only an 8 week engagement. I would get married tomorrow if I could :) I mean... I did find a perfect dress today. That's always amazing.

Engagement.

Well, it has been forever since I have blogged. And with my recent excitement I figured there is not better time to start again. With the craziness of these past couple weeks I have officially lost my camera adapter. So I reluctantly will post the exciting story of my engagement without pictures.

Last Monday I went out to dinner with a few girlfriends and Jaime and I were going to go look at Christmas lights in Detroit. Jonathon was planning on coming home Tuesday night and I could barely contain my excitement to see him. As we ate dinner I tried my best to not rant and rave about him the entire time and I think I did pretty good. As the waiter came back with our bills to sign he handed me mine along with a letter. My heart began to race and I was physically shaking. As I unfolded the letter and read the words, “Hey Beautiful” I was floored. I read the letter and was informed that because Jonathon and I hadn’t been able to talk much the past few days he wanted to send me on a scavenger hunt. I was so anxious to finish it and it was just beginning. Jaime and I had a great time going from place to place and little did I know the hassle that went into it. I first went to Panera Bread where there were two iced green teas already purchased for Jaime and I. We were told to sit and enjoy them and get a free refill before we could go on. I have never tried to drink so fast. I cheated and poured half of mine into hers so we could leave quicker. We then were off to Barnes and Noble where I had to find a letter inside of “Crazy Love” and the new Bon Jovi book. In the first letter he made a statement about how he wished he could be there at the end but tomorrow will be awesome. Deep down I really wanted him to show up at some point but I knew his entire day and how he had this ridiculously long rehearsal and then had to go straight to sound check before his show. He had far too many details the past few days for it not to be true. But still I hoped. He then sent me to Bostons and Starbucks. The letter at Starbucks ended so nonchalantly that I was sure that it was it. I was told to sit and enjoy my time with Jaime and that my last surprise would come when I least expected it. So we left and headed home to drop off our food before we went to Detroit. My mind reeled on the way home. When I least expected it… Well, I expected it to be tonight, so I guess tomorrow is when I least expect it, which is when he’s coming in, so I guess that makes the most sense. Then he calls me. I answer with hesitation and question in my voice and he just goes off. Rehearsal was awful, the drummer is so unprofessional and they kind of got into it, he left the cable at home for his such and such pedal that he uses most frequently so he had to rig something together. Now he’s on his way to the venue and is trying to get a hold of his roommates so they can bring it since their both coming to the show but their not answering and oh Mike’s calling now and he’s pulling into the venue so he’ll call me after the show and he loves me so much. That clenched it. Jonathon was still in California and my scavenger hunt really was over. As we headed to downtown Detroit I was practically falling asleep and thinking that I cannot believe we’re just now leaving past ten and I have to work at 615 the next morning. So we ended up down by the big Christmas tree in Detroit and it was strange. No one was really there, we were just wandering around aimlessly and I thought the tree looked nice with the water all around it but was ready to leave already. A few moments later Jonathon comes walking around the tree. I freaked. We hugged; I wouldn’t let go of him. He asked me if I liked my last surprise and of course I said yes. It was so wonderful to see him a day early and he looked so handsome and all. He then proceeded to tell me he had one last surprise and said real nice things and got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. He pulled out the ring and opened up the box upside down. And I smiled a lot. I said yes. We hugged. We kissed. I was giddy. I was surprised. It was perfect. With as much as we talked about getting married I was sure I had his little plan all figured out. I was so wrong and I love that. I never thought he’d be able to surprise me. So now I am engaged to the most amazing man of God I have ever met. I get to be his wife. And being engaged is so much fun. I love wearing the ring. It is oh so perfect for me: simple, delicate, unique, mine. So that’s my story, without pictures, but perfect nonetheless. Being in love just keeps getting better and better.

....

I want to blog real bad right now.

But I don't have anything important to say.

Actually I don't even have anything unimportant to say.

Except that I have issues.

Lots of them.

And every time I think one is taken care of

four more make themselves known.

power.

"The same power that conquered the grave lives in me."

confession.

I have subconsciously closed my heart to let God fill me. Because of this, I have nothing to give anyone, ever. This will change. Now.

"Dance with me. O lover of my soul. To the song of all songs. Romance me. O lover of my

soul. To the song of all songs"

I love Rockpointe Community Church.

I long to be a part of their family.

Well Jonathon is twenty today :) And I think he is the greatest boy I have ever met. And I think us being together is the greatest. I like that he plays guitar while I read my Bible. I like that he is the most handsome man ever. And everything about me wishes I could be in California right now as he leads worship at his church for three services.

Saturday Morning.

Spinach and feta cheese scrambled eggs.

James.

The Shack.

Starbucks coffee compliments of my roommate.

New shampoo.

New hairspray.

Pandora radio playing Jesus music.

Jonathon's birthday tomorrow and I didnt even send him a card because I am a procrastinator and dates creep up on me far too quickly. It's a good thing I have a fun plan for my trip out there to make up for it :)

I never blog.

I want a church family.

I'm sick of ichat making Jonathon all pixely and strange.

I miss praying for hours.

I miss journaling pages at a time.

I love being a teacher.

I love singing to my babies even though anyone who walks by has to contain their laughter.

I am picture crazy for my babies and want to plaster their precious faces all over the classroom.

"On the night you were born" is the best book and holding Zechariah while reading it makes me cry. I love him.

Nicole is selling Norwex now and I am super excited to have a party for her because Norwex rocks. Stay tuned.

Angela is so beautiful. I love hanging out with her.

I love Eric hugs. He is such a great brother.

I miss Denise and Mike with everything I have. I might have been able to have skyped them this morning but I am a horrible horrible sister and completely forgot to tell them. Now I miss them even more.

I hope the weather clears up so Hugh and I can go on a nature walk today.

I miss the joy of the Lord because I think too much and don't pray enough anymore.

I think Jonathon is the most patient boyfriend ever.

My parents are amazing. I don't want them to move anywhere but Royal Oak.

I don't want a wedding, at all.

But when I think about the people dear to me, I get sad thinking of them not there.

I have a ridiculous desire to bake all day.

I dance to techno music to get a work out. So what?

I miss some certain people a whole lot.

I don't know why I express my life in random thoughts.

I love the "Shack" despite all of the controversy.

It has displayed God in such a beautiful beautiful way to me.

And it makes me long for him so much more.

I don't know what I would do without Jaime.

Nicole put together a handy budget for me.

I plan on being so disciplined to it because Irma might die soon :(

Irma wouldn't be living so healthily right now if Eric didn't take such good care of her.

I have to leave to babysit now and I am not ready in the least.

Silly blogging.

"I'm lost without you LORD."

"All I need is you LORD."

Autumn.

I love the way leaves blow gently across the street.

I love the crisp air.

I love sleep when I have to be at work at 615.

Psalms and Proverbs,

I have decided to memorize one verse from Psalms and one verse from Proverbs a day.

I am on day two.

I love it already. My mind feels so fried trying to memorize so much at one time considering I am working on Philippians too.

But here is what I have so far.

Psalm 1:1-2

"Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,

nor stands in the way of sinners,

nor sits in the seat of scoffers;

but his delight is in the law of the LORD and on his law he meditates day and night.

Proverbs 1:33

"but whoever listens to me will dwell secure and will be at ease, without dread of destruction."

Psalm 2:10-12

"Now therefore O kings be wise,

be warned all rulers of the earth.

Serve the LORD with fear and rejoice with trembling.

Kiss the Son lest he be angry and you perish in the way.

For his wrath is quickly kindled.

Blessed are all who take refuge in him."

Proverbs 2:1-5

"My son if you receive my words and treasure up my commandments,

making your ear attentive to wisdom and your heart to understanding,

Yes, call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding

seek it like silver, search for it like hidden treasure.

Then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God."

Lame. This is hard.

I feel like I am in senior year Living the Christian Faith class where we wrote out memory verse on top of memory verse. I never would have thought I'd say I miss it. But I totally do. I love the Bible so much. I just keep falling more and more in love with it.

2 Corinthians 5:21

"God made him who knew no sin to be sin for us so that in him we might become the righteousness of God."

I have scripture all around my classroom so I can engrain it on my heart all the day long.

And I am pretty sure half are NIV and half are ESV. I really just want all ESV. I wonder why I am dumb? It's a good thing I won't have to distinguish which verse is from which version.

Im so tired. I stayed up extra late hoping to get to talk to Jonathon again for just a little bit even though I knew he couldn't talk.

I have issues.

Jesus super loves me though.

Scripture.

Sometimes, I fall in love with the word of God like I have never read it before in my life.

Today was one of those days.

The Heavenly Man.

I am reading this book. It has stirred my heart to shame. Every time I try to discuss my love for Jesus I actually feel like a raging hypocrite who has no right to bear the name of Jesus. Don't get me wrong. I know that the Lord has sent his spirit into my heart and cries out Abba, Father. I know that I am his child. I know that I am redeemed and beautiful. I know that he desires my beauty. And I know that he has a mighty plan for my life. But I feel so horrible. At age 16 this boy ate one bowl of rice a day for 100 days and cried out in prayer to receive a Bible. When God answered his prayer he had the book of Matthew memorized in 28 days with only three years of schooling. I am barely halfway done and every time I put this book down I am more and more moved into a grief that I feel the Holy Spirit feels for me right now. I know that God has so much he wants to display in my life right now. I know he wants to work miracles beyond human understanding and give me visions and speak to my heart every moment. I also know that I am in the way. I hate that about myself. I want to be so intimate with God again and memorize his entire Word. I hate that I don't know an entire book of the Bible when I started months ago. I need Jesus so bad.

Why children belong in church.

I visited a new church yesterday.

It met in a high school.

The music was nothing more than some bongos, and acoustic guitar and a singer.

The speaker did not speak with immense eloquence that knocked my socks off.

There was one song in the beginning and two at the end.

During the last song I was deeply moved to tears.

God led me into prayer a ton during the message so it wasn't because of how the message stirred my heart. It was during Mighty to Save, a song that is nothing new to me.

But across the small stage stood a boy who would have been a large two year old if he was two.

He stood next to his father and mother.

And I just watched him look up at his father.

The love and adoration in the little boy's eyes made my heart race.

And then as his father raised his hands in worship, that precious little boy did the same with a huge smile on his face. He turned away from his dad and faced the screen, his mouth moved along in attempts to sing and with both arms raised and abandoned to God.

He did this for some time and then noticed the drummer.

He turned to face the chairs behind him and then proceeded to start drumming on the chairs.

This little boy is growing up watching what it means to love God with his whole heart.

He is already worshipping.

The Psalmist did write that out of the mouths of infants God has ordained praise...

I love my God.

I love his children.

I love that he has blessed me with such an amazing opportunity to teach his children.

I only hope that he continues to raise me up to be the teacher those children deserve.

...

I was just reading through Denise's World Race blogs.

I came across a blog where she copied mine from awhile ago.

I want to cry.

I am not living the way I supposedly want to...

I need God to break my heart again and pull me out of my stinkin comfort zone.

"I want to so deeply love the people that are in my life that I look past anything external and search deep into their eyes.

Not only do I want to see the pain and hurt I want to feel it.

I want my heart to break with others and my eyes to fill with tears over the struggles that people are going through.

I don't only want to feed the poor but I want to learn why they can't afford food.

I do not only want to shelter the homeless but I want to know why they don't have a home.

I want to stop and talk to the people sitting on the streets that people call crazy.

I do not want to just throw a few nickels into their can but take them out to dinner, where we can talk and learn about each other.

I want to sit and hang out with the homeless while across the path everyone in their bikinis is enjoying the sunny beaches.

I want to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches when I am eating alone to save my money for dinners with the hungry.

I want to take public transportation and talk to the people around me.

I want to compliment the lonely woman on the beauty of her eyes, play a game with the child too tired to hold his head up, and tell the bus driver to enjoy the rest of his day.

I want to overtip at restaurants because it will take the waitress by surprise and write her a note telling her how amazing she is because it will make her smile.

I want to take off my shoes for the girl walking without any.

I want to say hi to the man in the business suit too focused to look at anyone he speeds by.

I want to read to the elderly because their family has abandoned them.

I want to play peek a boo with children in the car next to me at toll booths, behind the rack of white t-shirts at salvation army, across the restaurant, and at the hospitals.

I want to write letters to people I love and leave Bible verses taped to walls of public buildings. I want my days to be consumed with love for people that I will do anything it takes to make someone smile.

I want to share my faith with everyone I meet because Jesus is the greatest and his love is unconditional and overwhelming.

I want to soften someone's heart so they are open to let the love of Jesus Christ invade and take over.

I want Jesus in my heart always.

I am so in love with him. He never lets me down. He loves my heart when it is too rotten, leads the way when I am lost, speaks to me when I am at a loss for words, kisses my cheek when I feel alone, wipes away my tears, tugs on my hand encouraging me to leap, washes me with his blood every time I fail him. He never lets me down. I am so in love with him.

I want Jesus in my heart always. "

Blogging.

I want to blog but I don't have anything exciting to say.

I love Jesus.

Girlfriend.

Last night Jonathon took me to Olive Garden and back to the place he first asked me to be his girlfriend two years and ten months ago. He played me a song and asked me to be his girlfriend again. I said yes :)

Confusion.

I am left in state of confusion of how people can know so much about the Bible.

Far more than me even.

And still reject Jesus as LORD.

My precious old man just walked out. The last thing I heard him say?

"The problem with all religions is that it ignores the honesty of the finality of death: Nothingness."

My heart hurts.

Real life physical pain.

It actually kind of hurts to breathe.

I am here using Bible Gateway to copy scripture into word documents to print out and put around the infant classroom.

(P.S. I am lead teacher in there starting Monday if I have not already exclaimed my joy and excitement!!!!)

Right after I typed this I copied the next verse so I could take a break and breathe.

2 Peter 3:9

"The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness,

but is patient toward you,

not wishing that any should perish,

but that all should reach repentance."

Thank you Lord.

I could cry right now.

I am drinking tea and typing scripture right now.

Next to me there are three tables pushed together bringing eight people together discussing a book.

There is one precious man to me. He just stuck out to me with his hearing aid, gray hair and purple sweater. His small figure and wrinkly face made me want to give him a hug and kiss his cheek.

They were just discussing the woman in the story who all the men wanted because she was too perfect to be real.

She was idolized.

The comment was made:

"Well isn't that what people do to God? They idolize and fear him."

"Oh, I don't!" my precious old man proclaimed.

I am pretty sure that is the first thing I have heard him interject in the last hour.

It is taking everything in me to not cry.

And I have not even spoken a word to him.

It hurts to smile at people walking by right now.

My mom's

Goldfish.

Zephaniah 3:14-20

Zephaniah 4:17 "The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."

This verse has always hit me a special way.

It has left me speechless time and time again that this is how God views me.

Knowing that God is perfect and all knowing it always makes me question my insecure self.

Last night at lighthouse we sang a song from the perspective of God singing over us. Some people sang along. But I just fell into my chair and wept.

These past couple weeks I have been showered with blessings from God. Yet in the mix of it all I have lost intimacy with God.

I have been living Philippians 3:7-8, "But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish in order that I may gain Christ."

The blessings I have been given have turned into curses because of the lack of intimacy with my Savior Jesus Christ.

Last night as this song was song over me I could not control myself. I was taken off my feet by the abundant mercy, grace and faithfulness of my God. I literally felt swept off my feet by his love :)

"You're My Beloved
You're My Bride
To sing over you is My delight
Come away with Me My love

You're Beautiful to Me
So beautiful to Me

Under My mercy
Come and wait
Till we are standing face to face
I see no stain on you
My child

You're Beautiful to Me
So Beautiful to Me

I sing over you My song of peace
Cast all your care down at My feet
Come and find your rest in Me

I'll breathe My life inside of you
I'll bear you up on eagle's wings
And hide you in the shadow of My strength
I'll take you to My quiet waters
I'll restore your soul
Come rest in Me and be made whole

You're My beloved
You're My Bride
To sing over you is my delight

Come away with me my love"

I am so excited to be so close to God again.

I am so excited to fall into his loving embrace and feel my heart beating with his.

Last night was overwhelming.

God is so faithful.

He has never let go of me.

Intimacy with him is so beautiful and so amazing God could take anything away and I could not be sad.

Take away my car.

Take away my apartment.

Take away my job.

Take away my friends.

Take away my family.

Take away my money.

Take it all.

And give me more of God.

And I will sing for joy.

I understand how Job felt.

I love my God.

I love him so dearly and so deeply.

Oh words cannot suffice.

Mrs. Kearney

This is a teacher from the high school I went to.

She never taught me in any structured classes.

But she taught me more than any words I type now could express.

She went home to be with her Father in Heaven yesterday.

Part of me is just rejoicing so much.

How glorious for her.

She is just dancing with Jesus right now.

As a song I sang at lighouse last night would put it:

"On that day when I see

All that You have for me

When I see You face to face

There surrounded by Your grace

All my fears swept away

In the light of Your embrace

Where Your love is all I need

And forever I am free

Where the streets are made of gold

In Your presence healed and whole

Let the songs of heaven

Rise to You alone

No weeping no hurt or pain

No suffering You hold me now

You hold me now

No darkness no sick or lame

No hiding You hold me now

You hold me now

In this life I will stand

Through my joy and my pain

Knowing there's a greater day

There's a hope that never fails

Where Your Name is lifted high

And forever praises rise

For the glory of Your Name

I'm believing for the day

Where the wars and violence cease

All creation lives in peace

Let the songs of heaven

Rise to You alone

For eternity

All my heart will give

All the glory to Your Name"

Mrs. Kearney has been battling cancer.

When I say battling I mean battling.

That woman fought with everything she had.

I am so happy that she does not have to fight it anymore.

People often question God with the typical question:

"Why would you allow this person to suffer like this or like that?"

As much as I wish that in her lifetime on this earth she did not have to go through cancer.

What came from her fight was amazing.

Her joy.

Her smile.

Her laughter.

Her love.

If you had a conversation with her you would have no idea that pain that cancer was causing her physically.

Because her heart was amazing.

Her heart was joyful.

Her heart was vibrant.

Her heart was overflowing with the love of Christ.

This woman changed Lutheran High North.

Through her endurance through suffering and pain people saw what it meant to have a genuine relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ.

They saw that no matter what life throws at you a relationship with Jesus can keep a smile on your face.

Mrs. Kearney epitomized beauty.

Inside and Out.

Mrs. Kearney is so beautiful.

This world is not going to be the same without her.

There is one lonely flamingo sitting in a store somewhere that is always going to sit there

because Mrs. Kearney is not here to give it a home in her classroom.

Anyone who has had one conversation with her is going to have a special place in their heart for her always.

Sometimes if I was having a rough day at school I would pop my head in her classroom to say hi in passing.

Because I knew as soon as she flashed me her beautiful smile.

I would have a smile to give someone else.

I love her.

Jesus loves her.

I can only imagine the joy that Jesus must be feeling right now as he gets to dance with his beautiful bride.

Praise God for her life.

Praise God for her heart.

Praise God for her smile.

Praise God for her victory!

"Where o death is your victory, o where o death is your sting?"

By the power of the cross she has life eternal with the creator of the universe.