Autumn.

I love the way leaves blow gently across the street.

I love the crisp air.

I love sleep when I have to be at work at 615.

Psalms and Proverbs,

I have decided to memorize one verse from Psalms and one verse from Proverbs a day.

I am on day two.

I love it already. My mind feels so fried trying to memorize so much at one time considering I am working on Philippians too.

But here is what I have so far.

Psalm 1:1-2

"Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,

nor stands in the way of sinners,

nor sits in the seat of scoffers;

but his delight is in the law of the LORD and on his law he meditates day and night.

Proverbs 1:33

"but whoever listens to me will dwell secure and will be at ease, without dread of destruction."

Psalm 2:10-12

"Now therefore O kings be wise,

be warned all rulers of the earth.

Serve the LORD with fear and rejoice with trembling.

Kiss the Son lest he be angry and you perish in the way.

For his wrath is quickly kindled.

Blessed are all who take refuge in him."

Proverbs 2:1-5

"My son if you receive my words and treasure up my commandments,

making your ear attentive to wisdom and your heart to understanding,

Yes, call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding

seek it like silver, search for it like hidden treasure.

Then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God."

Lame. This is hard.

I feel like I am in senior year Living the Christian Faith class where we wrote out memory verse on top of memory verse. I never would have thought I'd say I miss it. But I totally do. I love the Bible so much. I just keep falling more and more in love with it.

2 Corinthians 5:21

"God made him who knew no sin to be sin for us so that in him we might become the righteousness of God."

I have scripture all around my classroom so I can engrain it on my heart all the day long.

And I am pretty sure half are NIV and half are ESV. I really just want all ESV. I wonder why I am dumb? It's a good thing I won't have to distinguish which verse is from which version.

Im so tired. I stayed up extra late hoping to get to talk to Jonathon again for just a little bit even though I knew he couldn't talk.

I have issues.

Jesus super loves me though.

Scripture.

Sometimes, I fall in love with the word of God like I have never read it before in my life.

Today was one of those days.

The Heavenly Man.

I am reading this book. It has stirred my heart to shame. Every time I try to discuss my love for Jesus I actually feel like a raging hypocrite who has no right to bear the name of Jesus. Don't get me wrong. I know that the Lord has sent his spirit into my heart and cries out Abba, Father. I know that I am his child. I know that I am redeemed and beautiful. I know that he desires my beauty. And I know that he has a mighty plan for my life. But I feel so horrible. At age 16 this boy ate one bowl of rice a day for 100 days and cried out in prayer to receive a Bible. When God answered his prayer he had the book of Matthew memorized in 28 days with only three years of schooling. I am barely halfway done and every time I put this book down I am more and more moved into a grief that I feel the Holy Spirit feels for me right now. I know that God has so much he wants to display in my life right now. I know he wants to work miracles beyond human understanding and give me visions and speak to my heart every moment. I also know that I am in the way. I hate that about myself. I want to be so intimate with God again and memorize his entire Word. I hate that I don't know an entire book of the Bible when I started months ago. I need Jesus so bad.

Why children belong in church.

I visited a new church yesterday.

It met in a high school.

The music was nothing more than some bongos, and acoustic guitar and a singer.

The speaker did not speak with immense eloquence that knocked my socks off.

There was one song in the beginning and two at the end.

During the last song I was deeply moved to tears.

God led me into prayer a ton during the message so it wasn't because of how the message stirred my heart. It was during Mighty to Save, a song that is nothing new to me.

But across the small stage stood a boy who would have been a large two year old if he was two.

He stood next to his father and mother.

And I just watched him look up at his father.

The love and adoration in the little boy's eyes made my heart race.

And then as his father raised his hands in worship, that precious little boy did the same with a huge smile on his face. He turned away from his dad and faced the screen, his mouth moved along in attempts to sing and with both arms raised and abandoned to God.

He did this for some time and then noticed the drummer.

He turned to face the chairs behind him and then proceeded to start drumming on the chairs.

This little boy is growing up watching what it means to love God with his whole heart.

He is already worshipping.

The Psalmist did write that out of the mouths of infants God has ordained praise...

I love my God.

I love his children.

I love that he has blessed me with such an amazing opportunity to teach his children.

I only hope that he continues to raise me up to be the teacher those children deserve.

...

I was just reading through Denise's World Race blogs.

I came across a blog where she copied mine from awhile ago.

I want to cry.

I am not living the way I supposedly want to...

I need God to break my heart again and pull me out of my stinkin comfort zone.

"I want to so deeply love the people that are in my life that I look past anything external and search deep into their eyes.

Not only do I want to see the pain and hurt I want to feel it.

I want my heart to break with others and my eyes to fill with tears over the struggles that people are going through.

I don't only want to feed the poor but I want to learn why they can't afford food.

I do not only want to shelter the homeless but I want to know why they don't have a home.

I want to stop and talk to the people sitting on the streets that people call crazy.

I do not want to just throw a few nickels into their can but take them out to dinner, where we can talk and learn about each other.

I want to sit and hang out with the homeless while across the path everyone in their bikinis is enjoying the sunny beaches.

I want to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches when I am eating alone to save my money for dinners with the hungry.

I want to take public transportation and talk to the people around me.

I want to compliment the lonely woman on the beauty of her eyes, play a game with the child too tired to hold his head up, and tell the bus driver to enjoy the rest of his day.

I want to overtip at restaurants because it will take the waitress by surprise and write her a note telling her how amazing she is because it will make her smile.

I want to take off my shoes for the girl walking without any.

I want to say hi to the man in the business suit too focused to look at anyone he speeds by.

I want to read to the elderly because their family has abandoned them.

I want to play peek a boo with children in the car next to me at toll booths, behind the rack of white t-shirts at salvation army, across the restaurant, and at the hospitals.

I want to write letters to people I love and leave Bible verses taped to walls of public buildings. I want my days to be consumed with love for people that I will do anything it takes to make someone smile.

I want to share my faith with everyone I meet because Jesus is the greatest and his love is unconditional and overwhelming.

I want to soften someone's heart so they are open to let the love of Jesus Christ invade and take over.

I want Jesus in my heart always.

I am so in love with him. He never lets me down. He loves my heart when it is too rotten, leads the way when I am lost, speaks to me when I am at a loss for words, kisses my cheek when I feel alone, wipes away my tears, tugs on my hand encouraging me to leap, washes me with his blood every time I fail him. He never lets me down. I am so in love with him.

I want Jesus in my heart always. "

Blogging.

I want to blog but I don't have anything exciting to say.

I love Jesus.

Girlfriend.

Last night Jonathon took me to Olive Garden and back to the place he first asked me to be his girlfriend two years and ten months ago. He played me a song and asked me to be his girlfriend again. I said yes :)

Confusion.

I am left in state of confusion of how people can know so much about the Bible.

Far more than me even.

And still reject Jesus as LORD.

My precious old man just walked out. The last thing I heard him say?

"The problem with all religions is that it ignores the honesty of the finality of death: Nothingness."

My heart hurts.

Real life physical pain.

It actually kind of hurts to breathe.

I am here using Bible Gateway to copy scripture into word documents to print out and put around the infant classroom.

(P.S. I am lead teacher in there starting Monday if I have not already exclaimed my joy and excitement!!!!)

Right after I typed this I copied the next verse so I could take a break and breathe.

2 Peter 3:9

"The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness,

but is patient toward you,

not wishing that any should perish,

but that all should reach repentance."

Thank you Lord.

I could cry right now.

I am drinking tea and typing scripture right now.

Next to me there are three tables pushed together bringing eight people together discussing a book.

There is one precious man to me. He just stuck out to me with his hearing aid, gray hair and purple sweater. His small figure and wrinkly face made me want to give him a hug and kiss his cheek.

They were just discussing the woman in the story who all the men wanted because she was too perfect to be real.

She was idolized.

The comment was made:

"Well isn't that what people do to God? They idolize and fear him."

"Oh, I don't!" my precious old man proclaimed.

I am pretty sure that is the first thing I have heard him interject in the last hour.

It is taking everything in me to not cry.

And I have not even spoken a word to him.

It hurts to smile at people walking by right now.