hair.

My dear mother just said, "wow Emily, even your hair looks grouchy."

If that shows anything of what my family has to put up with when I don't get to talk to Jon.

I feel so bad for them, they are so good to me and I truly do not deserve it. 

Off to finish setting up for the baby shower tomorrow!! Praying for anything to change my mood.

Power.

I apologize in advance for this blog.  I am half asleep but wanting to read my Bible.  I am far too tired to use a feather pen and my other journal is upstairs on the counter. I am lazy, and so I will type. 

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

-2 Corinthians 12:9

At a time where I feel as though I have nothing, this verse rings loudly in my mind.  I am just reassured that I have nothing but weakness so at some point God's strength and power will be revealed.   

Luke 4:35

"But Jesus rebuked him saying, "Be silent and come out of him.""

Okay so this will never cease to amaze me.  It is no big surprise that Jesus can cast out demons.  I mean, He is God and He did defeat them when He rose from the dead.  He was just great like that.  But look at Emily for a brief moment.  We do not need to sugarcoat this at all.  I am not so great.  I screw up bad, every day.  I claim to have this crazy desire to walk in step with the Spirit intuitively every day, but than I keep my Bible tucked away in my purse for a few days and wake up complaining about the day rather than praising God that He gave me another one!  I am just flat out dumb.  But according to God I can say, "Be silent and come out of him."  Not only can I say it, but it will happen!  No where in me do I have the authority or strength to cast out demons.  But praise God for his grace and for my stupid human weaknesses because I can open myself up to His will and allow his Power to be made perfect!!  His power to defeat Satan at the cross and on the day He rose has been passed onto me.  Big stuff.  I have been discussing such related material for the past several weeks pretty much nonstop.  Yet I am still blown away!!! It is insane.  And I like that God showed me these two verses tonight and put them together for me.  They fit nicely.  Now I will sleep.  I will be honest about how I wake up in the morning.  Hold me accountable. I need that.  

Wonderful.

This morning I woke up with a voicemail from Jonathon.  I crawled out of bed so happy and excited to listen to it.  After I listened to it when I got in the car I realized that if I had not had that voicemail, I would have been cranky and pissed off when I woke up.  Yet everyday I wake up to God, and He is much better than Jonathon.  I mean honestly, He made the fricken day I am waking up to.  I know He has already forgiven me for my selfish stupidity, but I haven't yet.  I am pretty pissed at myself about it.  Tomorrow WILL be different.  Just you wait.   

When I got home from work my mom said, "Wow Emily, you must feel how you look."  As I slowly turned to her my dad chimed in, "and by that she means you must feel wonderful!"  Who would have guessed he has four daughters, a wife, and a female dog... literally.  He is a good man with a very wonderful wife.  

and Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me"

It is exciting to have a super amazingly talented boyfriend. 

Sometimes I think the children at my work help me more than I help them.  Honestly without them I do not think I would have made it through my day.  Their bright smiles, tight hugs, and loud laughs brought so much joy to my day.  I go to work to serve the beautiful children God has created.  I use the talents he has given me to encourage their exploration of the world around them and I could not be more blessed with a better opportunity. I love it.  Today I felt so selfish though.  They taught me more than I could have possibly taught them, but God used them to bring joy to my heart.  

One girl wakes up about an hour early from nap without fail.  Usually she comes over to the group of about three teachers and just makes her way around soaking up all of our attention.  today she walked over with her blanket and climbed up in my lap.  We rocked for over twenty minutes and she just cuddled so close to me.  We talked, laughed, counted, sang, and just smiled together.  Every time I turned my head away from her she would gently reach up to my cheek and pull my face back toward hers.  It was so beautiful and I so selfishly needed her to love on me like that.  It was hard not to cry realizing once again how God so quickly instills beauty, love, and compassion in His children.  It is amazing to me that God knows each of our hearts so intimately that He can begin to heal the pain in a way so unexpected.  I love Him for that and so much more.    

Hate it.

I spent three solid weeks with Jonathon.  We spent at least a portion of every day together and most days through the night even.  Sure we were busy and we had a lot to take care of and worry about, but we were together.  He has been gone since Friday.  We have barely gotten to talk.  I was used to this before, but three weeks of seeing him every day has made this a new phenomenon for me.  Not being able to talk to him has honestly made it difficult to talk to anyone else.  Talking is not work for me, ever.  It has been these past four days.  I feel bad for my family especially because I know they are taking the grunt end of everything.  My parents have been trying so hard to get me to talk to them and share what is wrong but I cannot put the words together and spit them out.  I got out of work early today and took a two hour nap.  I would have laid there for the rest of the day if I could have.  Last night I slept at Jon's house and cried myself to sleep without him.  This is so unlike me and I loathe it so completely.  It is a sure good thing Jonathon is worth this otherwise I would not be able to go through these emotional messes for another year.  

I am glad God still talks to me when I can't talk to Him.  He is so good and I am so undeserving of how passionately He pursues me and how tightly He holds onto me when I do not have enough strength to even gently hold His hand.    

And I believe that you're all I need!

You hold my every moment

You calm my raging seas

You walk with me through fire

And heal all my disease

I trust in you

I believe you're my healer

I believe you are all I need

I believe you're my portion

I believe you're more than enough for me

Jesus you're all I need!!!!

-Hillsong. Healer.

Jonathon's house.

Jonathon is home in California now.  I am at his house without him.  After spending some time every day at this house for the last three weeks, I could not bear to spend time away today.  We're watching Mama Mia and it is pretty annoying.  Oh well, I love their company.  

Precisely seven hours

Until Jonathon leaves for the airport.  I decided not to go because unlike the last few times we have seen each other, we do not have a date to look forward to.  The ambiguity of it all makes for a very difficult good bye and I would rather not have to sit in the car with his mom and grandpa and make them have to deal with me crying the whole hour back home, because let's face it, I would be.  Luckily I have a very dear friend Jaime who I know will be patient with me as we enjoy an entire day together tomorrow!  How beautiful.  I will never tire of Barnes and Noble, random little coffee shops in downtown Royal Oak and a lovely smiling girl who speaks truth to my heart and fills me up with convicting and loving conversations.  I am so blessed.

Speaking of blessed.  Jon Ketchum has been blessed with the most amazing musical talent I have ever witnessed.  Honestly.  He has to prepare for his show on Saturday with Mandi and I could be super pissed that a lot of our last evening together he has to spend practicing, but I am totally not.  I get to sit on the bed and watch him play.  It is so amazing to me how his passion shows through even off stage.  His dedication is insane and I could get sick of hearing the same song over and over again but this song him and Mandi wrote together is fricken insane.  Almost Stars. I am very sad I will not be able to watch them perform on Saturday.  

Anyways, it is getting late and I cannot write when I am tired.  But I am just sad Jonathon is leaving, writing is nice and I'm too lazy to go get my feather pen journal from downstairs.    

an hour and a half

after my last blog... Jonathon walked in with a triple venti nonfat white mocha from Starbucks.

No more coffee?

It is true.  I am officially addicted to tea.  I have realized the drastic difference in how I feel after a few cups.  With coffee, a few cups into it and I feel bloated and kind of grindy.  Tea.  Tea is beautiful.  I just pee a lot is all.  I love the transition.  I hope that early days at work do not change this for me!!

Thanksgiving, Christmas and the New Year has come and gone.  To be honest, I am glad it is gone.  Not that I hate the holidays in any way, 2008 just held challenges that made it a very trying season.  Jonathon heads back to California tomorrow morning and although it will be very sad without him I am very happy for him.  We have both been completely drained this past month and I think are both feeling very empty right now.  

Before Jonathon came home for Thanksgiving I had a solid two weeks of the most crazy God high ever.  It was amazing.  I mean, God and I hung out all the time.  That is all that I ever wanted to do.  I was up till at least two every night just praying and diving into his Word.  I reached a point where I seriously wondered if I had anymore room to be filled up.  I knew it was bound to end.  God gives us our mountain top experiences and then asks us to walk back down and make use of what He has done with us and shown us.  Two weeks of being filled to the brim, to be emptied one month later.  I know it was worth it.  I praise His name for how perfectly he entwines our lives and the circumstances around us.  I just pray that He would fill me back up.  I do not know how much more I can take.  

As my vacation comes to a close I do not dread going back to work.  I look forward to being around the beautiful children God has blessed in my care.  In their faces I see innocence and love that I yearn to be in the presence of.  

God is good

all the time

all the time

God is good. 

Oh and I write with a feather pen now too :)  I have two journals and a blog to keep up on and I just love it.  But the feather pen's journal does prove to be the most popular right now.  Honestly, who would pick a computer over a feather pen?