Beach.

I love everything about Jonathon.

We're getting ready to go to the beach. yay

Last night I asked Jonathon if he laughs at me more than he does any girl.

And he told me he laughs more at me than any two people boy or girl combined.

And than he laughed for like ten minutes.

And we agreed that he laughs at himself more than anyone.

Body.

I praised God for my body today.  It was a weird thing to do.  But I did it. And with all of my heart at that.  Usually I say it because I know I should but my heart doesn't really mean it.  Today my heart meant it.  Seriously.  I am not nervous to put on a bathing suit in two days, or embarrassed to wear shorts and a tank top.  God made my body so unique and I am told to praise him for his creation.  And that is what I am.  His Creation.  

"You make everything glorious
And I am Yours
What does that make me?"

I have spent so much time lately feeding into the lies Satan tries to attack me with.  The ridiculous thing is is that they are not clever, I never fail to see right through them, yet I fall for them time and time again.  Not this time.  Trying on some clothes today as I began to pack Satan tried his work at me.  But I ignored him and praised my Creator instead.  This was an experience I hope every girl can have.  For myself I plan on waking up and praising God as I look at myself first thing in the morning.  I do not want to give Satan any foothold into my thoughts about myself.  

So in like a week when I post or say something stupid and completely opposing to this blog.  Make me read this again.  Thanks.  

Pleasing.

"Jesus my heart must know

I'm pleasing to you."

Can I just say that this is a constant longing in my heart for Jonathon.  I want to be needed and loved by him.  To be so much more than words can even express.  These past few weeks I have realized that I will always fall so short.  That no matter how much he loves me and needs me I will always have insecurities because of what Satan tries to throw in my face.  These insecurities then at times take hold of my thoughts and actions and I treat Jonathon whether in conversations or in my mind so horribly.  Instead of building him up I use my words to tear him down so as to some way feel like I am bringing him down to as low of a place as I feel.  Never do I want that.  Never.  As I sang these words tonight God just spoke truth to me in my thoughts.  To Jesus, I am always pleasing.  That is an amazing concept to have to deal with.  He does not care about the stupid things Satan tries to convince me Jonathon cares about.  And no matter how much Satan can try to lie to me about that he better not dare try to tell me that about my Jesus.  I am so assured of Jesus' love for me. I have so much more to say but it's late and Jonathon can talk so I have to cease this opportunity because I stinkin love that man.  He is so good to me when I really do not deserve it :)   

This long distance relationship.

is getting old.

I wonder how many more years I have to deal with this...ugh.

Amazing.

I am in awe of how amazingly God works.  That is about as detailed as I can get :)

World Religions.

Suck.

How can you witness to people who know about every stinkin religion including Christianity and think they are all so great and so similar?

Help. That was mine and Jaime's dilemma as we enjoyed a nice cup of tea this morning. 

blah. 

Useless is how I feel.

One Week.

I will be in California this time next week, except it will only be 8:33 pm.  Strange how life works.  Friday I have to go try to find a new bathing suit because I always manage to try to find the cheapest ones so they don't last me for two vacations.  Call me genius.  This is my absolute favorite shopping day ever! I just cannot wait. Oo joy.  Speaking of joy there is this song called "You are my joy" that I love to sing to Jesus.  Because He truly is.  And when I think that my joy is coming from my Lord, I don't have to worry about the lack of joy coming from a bathing suit shopping trip right?  I am glad Jesus loves me no matter what.  And Jonathon too for that matter. 

Blessed.

I was singing and stuff today on my way home from a work training and I caught myself singing, "Every blessing you send down I'll turn back to praise"

A day would not be long enough to praise him for the blessings he sent to me from 12:00-1:00 pm today.  Just for the record. 

Shoes.

The other day I read in The Holy Wild this story:

(In Uganda, Africa)

"The Pastor asked if anyone had anything to share.  Many people wanted to, but a tall willowy woman in the back row danced and shouted the loudest, so he called her forward.  She came, twirling her long limbs, trilling out praise.

'Oh, brothers and sisters, I love Jesus so much,' she said.

'Tell us, sister! Tell us!' The Ugandans shouted back

'Oh, I love Him so much, I don't know where to begin.  He is so good to me.  Where do I begin to tell you how good he is to me?'

'Begin there, sister! Begin right there!'

'Oh,' she said, 'He is so good.  I praise Him all the time for how good He is.  For three months, I prayed to him for shoes. And look!'  And with that the woman cocked her leg so that we could see one foot.  One very ordinary shoe covered it.  'He gave me shoes.'

The Ugandans went wild.  They clapped, they cheered, they whistled, they yelled.

A Beautiful Day, Involving Shoes from katie rowland on Vimeo.

Have you counted how many pairs of shoes you have lately?

I have ten, not counting my flip flops.

Luke 3:11

"And he answered them, 'Whoever has two tunics is to share with him who has none, and whoever has food is to do likewise.'"

100!

This is my 100th post so I thought I would celebrate by posting this. 

:)

forty minutes.

Take forty minutes out of your busy day and give this a listen. 

Let me know your thoughts and reactions.  

So maybe not.

Three and half hours later I am still awake.  Jonathon and I fought tonight.  And I loved it.  I cried because I am an emotional mess and I laughed because we fight so well.  I think that is one thing that always erks me about couples about ready to get married is the whole, "We still haven't fought yet" card.  Really?  If Jonathon and I would have gotten married when we hadn't fought yet we would have been screwed.  If we're being honest to have a good fight takes practice.  You  have to learn how to do it right.  When to start it, when to end it, when to say what's on your mind and when to bite your stinkin tongue.  A fight like this is encouraging to me too.  Because if we're being honest and looking back onto how it emerged it was all because of us feeding into the lies of Satan.  Both of us fell for them.  It wasn't just me taking the bite of the apple or just him.  Together we made the conscious decision to listen to what Satan was saying to us and let those lies eat us apart.  But the glory of it all is that our relationship is still rooted in Christ.  Because of this we can end a fight with laughter and love that only our God and Savior could give us.  Rest assured in the beautiful Truth of Jesus Christ.  We are in love with Jesus first and foremost and because of his unconditional love for us we can love each other when we don't deserve it.  It is a beautiful love.  And in a week his arm will be around me.  We will hold hands.  He will pull me close and he will kiss my forehead because that is my favorite.  And I will smile.  A lot. 

     

seven.

It is not even seven and I am going to try to crash for the night.  

I'm just pretty tired is all. 

Caffeine.

So my house is out of coffee and the only caffeinated tea that is left is some pretty gross Korean green tea.  Even honey does not help.

My head hurts.

Off to work.

Brace yourself.

As I was driving home tonight I could not help but worship my God.  He rocks my socks off.  On the expressway I noticed this truck was not passing me nor letting me pass it in the midst of my worship.  I glanced over and noticed two guys just staring at me.  Let me assure you it was not because they were trying to hit on some cute girl late at night in another car.  I am glad they got something out of my worship time as well, even if it was just a good laugh :) 

Okay, so.  Let's get down to basics here.  God is amazing.  He is getting bigger and bigger every day I spend with Him.  I can honestly say that I am running out of words in my hopes of expressing our times together and the way He moves in my life and of those around me.  

Let me recap my amazing Sunday. I attended Zion something or other church this morning.  Service started at ten and ended at noon.  It was nice to be at a church that was not held in time.  The pastors spoke with the power of the Spirit and the worship would have been super great if I had not went in with a reserved heart and critical mind.  I will try better next week.  My dad is doing this crazy series called the Truth Project in our home for the next twelve weeks.  If you are interested totally come, we start at one.  The premise of it is this question which sounds simple and obvious, but seriously think about it for longer than the 2 seconds you spend answering it: "Do you really believe that what you believe is really real?"  Right.  If we really believed that when entering into prayer we were entering into the throne room of God like he tells us, we would not be like, oh crap I should probably pray today.  No, we would be like no, don't make me stop! I never want to stop.  If we really believed that what we believed is really real... "We would turn this world upside down!"  Very convicting and wonderful.  We than just gathered and prayed together with my dog laying in the middle of our circle, because really, all creation sings praise to God, why shouldn't Musta?  Love it. 

You think that's the end?  Just the beginning.  Before lighthouse a few of us gathered to pray.  Oh the power of prayer let me tell you.  I was so humbled to be a part of this group and to hear some of these prayers.  The one that stands out to me still is the cry that everyone who comes to lighthouse would come because of the confidence that they will be in the presence of God.  Not just for the music or lights.  Amen.  Let me tell you that God is present in that lighthouse room and it is a beautiful thing.  Well into lighthouse I went after we finished praying and immediately I was pulled into worship.  My God is so amazing He deserves nothing less than every muscle in my body moving and every vocal chord I have crying out to proclaim his glory and that does not even begin what he really deserves of me.  How was the message you ask?  Right on.  I am a Christian.  Let me tell you it was convicting.  Claiming to be a Christian is tough stuff; the stereotypes to try to overcome and the people that you don't know that you find yourself trying to defend.  But is that not what I am trying so hard to live my life as?  A Little Christ?  That is what I yearn for.  The view has such a tainted view of Christians that even Christians try to avoid the term.  No longer will it be!  Let me tell you the power that spoke through that as the music began the statement echoed through voices throughout the room.  "I am a Christian."  Hearing a room full of hundreds of young adults claiming their identity in Christ is pretty intense let me tell you.  And pretty encouraging when I find myself spending a lot of time agonizing over the supposed Christians that are turning people away from Christ by their views of who He is.  (Which I am guilty of as well of course).  

After the message my heart could not even handle the worship.  By the last song I asked God to stop because I thought my heart just might explode out of my chest.  My throat hurt, my heart was racing, my arms were sore, my body was aching and I could not get that smile off of my face!! Let's talk about this song. 

     

You won't relent
Until You have it all
My heart is Yours

I'll set You as a seal upon my heart
As a seal upon my arm
For there is love that is as strong as death
Jealousy demanding as the grave
And many waters cannot quench this love

Come be the fire inside of me
Come be the flame upon my heart
Come be the fire inside of me
Until You and I are one

-Misty Edwards.

Holy fricken crap.  Seriously.  Crying that out to God was insane, I felt like I could not sing loud enough. "Come be the fire inside of me!!!"  Love Jesus.  Okay so I want to just paste in all of the amazing songs that made my heart race for my God, but I won't.

Instead I will tell you that after, I found myself in a room with a group of people.  Let's talk prayer baby.  Praise God for a beautiful girl I know nothing more than her name and the fact that Jesus is now in her life! Oh the glory of Jesus.  Just today or yesterday or something I had underlined in Luke 15:10, "Just so, I tell you, there is joy before the angels of God over one sinner who repents."  Let me just tell you that I felt that joy burning in my heart.  As we prayed for her and praised God for who He is I knew in my heart I was rejoicing with all of the angels of God over her and it was an overwhelming feeling.  Than a nice boy shared that he raised his hand for the first time to God, and I cried.  I pray that everyone who claims to be of Christ comes to a point where the yearning to be closer to Jesus takes over and an outstretched arm reaches for his.  Where the glory of who God truly is is so overtaking, the least of what we can do is reach out our hands to God.  Lamentations 3:41, "Let us lift up our hearts and hands to God in heaven."  All of the other little ways that God has worked today are too numerous to be recorded.  I cannot get enough of prayer.  Seriously it is so powerful and God is so faithful through it.  If there is any way I can pray for you please let me know.  You can be confident that I will intercede on your behalf because whoever you are I am super in love with you and want to see God working so deeply and personally in your life.  I could go on all night but I need to wake up and wash my hair in the morning.  And we're all out of anything caffeine and I think I'm addicted again so this could be an issue. Oh well. 

PS. I really want to be there when "the mountains and hills before you shall break forth into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands." Isaiah 55:12.  Seriously, think about that one for a moment.

Lame.

It is kind of depressing that after two weeks of being so close to God, worshipping Him nonstop and just listening to everything He has to say to me and lays on my heart, I can feel like this.  I feel sick and just downright awful.  I was going to be able to hang out with a bunch of girls from work tonight but I just feel miserable.  My chest hurts when I breathe.  I feel distant from God.  How can that happen?  The depressing thing of it all is that God is not pursuing me any less.  He is still so ridiculously in love with me,  sending me love letters and speaking to my heart.  I just know he is, but I cannot feel it.  It makes me feel even more down on myself because I know it is me pulling away.  I just hate that I do it! Why?  He thinks I am worth it.  He thinks I am worth loving unconditionally.  He does not stop pursuing me.  He does not stop sending me love letters.  He does not stop trying to make me feel like I am his absolutely beautiful creation.  He didn't think on the cross, "no nevermind,  Emily's is not worth this sacrifice."  No He gave everything he had for me so I could live a life with purpose.  So I could smile even when I am sick.  So I could laugh even when my chest hurts.  So I could feel beautiful even when my eyes are swollen and puffy from tears.  So I could live a life for him.  Where nothing else matters.  Where by His blood I can be forgiven for all of my selfish needs of this world that will account for nothing in the age to come.  I love my God.  It's a good thing I wasn't god because I would be so sick of me by now.  But He still loves me.  And never wants to stop reminding me of it.  What a God to worship. 

m&m

I just ate a green m&m that said "Smile" on it. 

So I did. And it felt good. 

Love.

"I'm now in love, with a Savior, bearing the marks of His LOVE!"

Dumb.

I am so sad that I cannot talk to Jonathon anymore.  I am too tired to sleep and don't even want to read my Bible or anything.  I guess being able to talk to him for an hour reminded me of what I was missing out on these past few days.  Oh well.  God has obviously fulfilled every need and desire of my heart these past few days, who's to stop him now?  It certainly will not be my lack of faith... I hope. 

dad jokes...

I found another one of those nasty bugs and brought it up to show my parents.  My mom screamed and my dad goes, oh "just one of these things?"

uhh. Ya it's gross.

"Oh there must have been two thousand of them on the side of the house the other day, I tried to kill them but a couple must have obviously lived."

I do not mind if there on the side of my house. I do mind if they are in my bed though.

"Just put a keep out sign up.... Oh better yet.  Bug Off!"

haha. Thanks dad.

Nasty times two.

I just killed one of the same bugs I had to kill last night. 

Plus a spider.

I am going to sleep upstairs now.  

Good night.

Unfailing Love.

Driving to Salsaritas Jon and I talked for about 2 minutes and than he had to go record.  It was depressing, I hung up and cried a little especially after my morning of crazy missing him and being reminded of amazing times with him.  I turned up the volume on my radio and immediately heard, "You are all I need."  I cried and just worshipped God with all my heart the rest of the drive.  He was all I needed.  I was not downtrodden or even disappointed that we could not talk.  God was just great.  I told God, "I just cannot believe how often you are sending your love letters to me!  This is such a spurt that I just cannot even get enough of!! You just keep speaking."  There was a few moments where I just kept worshipping and than he said, "I never stop, you just dont open your eyes."  I bawled. I love him.  He never stops. 

So my dear friend invited me to Kensington and I went for the first time tonight after Salsaritas.  I knew I was going to get to talk to Jon on my way there, or home but I forgot.  So I called him on the way there and our conversation went as follows.

"Was I supposed to call you now or after church?"

"after"

"oh. okay bye"

"love you"

I was not pissed at Jon at all but my mood just kind of dropped.  Like bummer here were 3 minutes that we could have talked.  And so I went into Kensington just kind of feeling ugh. I really wanted to worship my amazing God but was just eh about life and could not really figure out why.  Than we sang "Rain Down" by David Crowder band and I just kept thinking about my blog from the other day about God's love for me.  I could barely sing because I just felt in my heart,  "Who am I to ask God to rain down his love on me?  He never stops, I am the one who stops."  As we stopped singing the rain was pounding down on the roof so heavily and I just smiled and said in my heart, "SEE!!! It rains down whether I ask for it or not.  He never lets up, by asking him to rain it down I am basically telling him he is not already. And he NEVER stops!"  (note from the author: I do not think there is anything wrong with that song. I love it super a lot)

The pastor spoke.  It was pretty awesome.  I laughed. I frowned. I smiled. I cried. Message done.  Music on.

"Unfailing Love"  by Chris Tomlin.

I have never been to a Wednesday service at Kensington and did not know how they worked or what was next or anything but I could not contain myself.  I stood up and sang to God with all I had.  His unfailing love! Never stops, even when my eyes are closed to it.  And He did it.  That feeling that I described earlier of Jon and I at the concert.  That huge place tons of people but feeling as though we were the only ones in the room.  As I typed and cried about how I missed it and whatnot.  God did that to me tonight.  It was just God and I. Alone in all of Kensington.  Halfway through the song I realized what He was doing, this feeling He was giving me.  He saw that desire in my heart this morning and said you know what, I can do it better. And he did. Because he is God.  

I pray that anyone who's reading this would have opened eyes to the ways God individually loves on you.  There has been so much for me I am so heartbroken that I cannot write it down fast enough.  Last night I finished my Guatemala journal.  After my purchases for my nephew today I cannot bring myself to buy a new journal so it will have a lot on here and whatever I can get in my feather pen journal.  The only issue is with how fast God is going I cannot dip that ink pen fast enough and maneuver it on the paper as quickly as I like.  Maybe he is trying to give me practice and I just need to accept it :)

Mean blog about Jonathon.

He calls me chinzits now. Even though we compared up close faces and I have none.  And told me my sweater looks like a mom teacher sweater.  Love you too boyfriend. 

Only 11:27 am

I feel like I had the most productive day ever and it is only 11:27... and I really did not.

Some thoughts since I have been up.

-From the time I woke up at 6 until I left at 720 my dad had not moved spots sitting in front of his computer working on "stuff". Sad

- If I ever tell you I have to stop by Babies R' Us never under no circumstance let me do it. EVER. I do not care what excuse I give. Slit my tires if it is necessary.  Or don't because that would ruin the whole point of not spending money. But really. Being an aunt is expensive.  Plus. My sister told me she wouldn't care if I went to SA as long as I washed it... and yet I didn't ERGG!

-I love the rain. So much.

-When I see a young couple together I get jealous. My heart aches. Really aches.  Not like a mind thing where I just say it because my mind feels achey, but where my heart physically aches.  This couple I saw today was either just newly together or they have been for a long time  now. (What a conclusion huh?).  Well as they stood in line at Starbucks she just looked up with pure joy on her face.  She thought he rocked.  No other guy could make her smile like that.  Her eyes glowed.  She was not the typical Abercrombie hot beauty we think of when we think of beautiful.  But she was lovely.  The way her eyes glowed and smile radiated was precious and beautiful.  A look not even the best outfit and give off.   And he.  He could not keep his hands off of her.  Not in the annoying PDA type of way.  But the I am so proud that this beautiful girl is mine way.  The way he held one of her hands with both of his or pulled her close to him with his gentle hand on her side.  The way you could just tell his heart was pounding through his chest because he knew he was with the best girl there was.  In the way he looked at her it was obvious that what he knew was inside of her no one else could see.  She had something so unique and amazing about her he could not fathom the thought of taking his hand off of her.  He wanted every guy in that place to know that no, they weren't just friends studying together.  She was his.  I stared at them for if we're being honest probably five minutes as they waited in line, ordered their drinks and waited for their drinks.  They didn't even notice and five minutes is a long time.  They were so engrossed in each other nothing else mattered.  

 As they walked back to their table I cried a little because I miss Jonathon.  When we were at a Goo Goo Dolls concert over a year ago we stood in the middle of a crowd of drunk people smoking their joints and screaming their guts out.  When they started to play "Let Love in" nothing around me mattered.  The smells of marijuana were gone, the obnoxious people around me did not even catch my eye.  I just stood in front of Jonathon and as he held me my heart raced and was so calm at the same time.  It was the most amazing feeling of elation that I will never forget.  It was like I was outside of my body watching him hold me and loving every moment of the feeling of his arms holding me so closely.  I miss those times.  I miss walking down the street hand in hand.  I miss taking naps as my head rests perfectly on his chest.  I miss the feeling of his arms holding me tight in the amazing hugs he gives.  I miss the way his hand gently holds my side as we stand together.  I miss the way he opens doors for me.  The way he rubs my feet after we've had a long walk.  The way he cooks me scrambled eggs for breakfast and makes me ham and cheese sandwiches for lunch.  

I miss his  voice.  These past few day we have not really talked.  He has a lot to do and until today I did not even realize how little we have talked because God has been filling my time with himself and loving on me which I just love him for.  Otherwise I know I would be pestering Jonathon to no end trying to get him to text me nonstop or talk to me all night instead of record.  But now I am a little sad.  I love Jonathon's voice.  I love when he laughs and tells me I'm beautiful.  When he "acknowledges my cuteness".  I love that he asks me if I have had my quiet time with Jesus yet and that if I say no he asks me when I plan on doing it.  I love that he tells me he misses me.  I love that he tells me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, even though I remind him I am pretty crazy and a lot needy.  I love that we're still in love.  I love that distance cannot break us.  I love Jonathon.  I get to see him in 14 days if work does not call him to NYC.  I cannot wait.  Sometimes really all I want to do is hug him.  For him to kiss my forehead and brush his fingers through my nasty unwashed and 14 layers of hairspray hair.  To get lost in his arms and never have to be found by anyone.  He is the greatest boyfriend ever.

 Hmm. Well that was a rant and tears I was not expecting.

More?

-I am reading a book of a friend's old blogs from 2005.  I have only known her since September.  On October 17, 2005 she said something about her road trip to California. I stopped reading looked up and said oh the timing of it all God all giddy and such. And I continued to read the parenthesis that say (thats for Emily).  Are you kidding God?! Sure it was a different Emily three years ago. But now it is me. End of story. Geeze.  The way God spends so much time to speak to me so perfectly and clearly is insane to me.  

-I wrote with a feather pen at Starbucks today and got a few weird looks. I loved it.

-One of the guys who worked there while fixing up the little creamer island thing turned to me and said, "Are you studying over here?"  I said, "No, I mean, uh ya but not school stuff."  End of conversation. Great witnessing Em.  You sure deserve a pat on the back for that one.

-I said I was going to pray for anyone who walked out of the doors specifically and individually.  I prayed for seven people because I got so engrossed in writing and reading.  Way to rock at being a prayer warrior and intercessor Emily.  

I'm done. I get to go see Zechariah in forty minutes and since Nicole is sick I plan on putting all of his new clothes in a cute bag so she can open a present! :) 

Lately.

I have received a few messages about how God has spoken through my words in my blog and that brings me the giddiest joy ever.  I cannot, but totally can, believe how God can work through my disorganized and crazy thoughts to encourage people around me.  He is too good.  These messages also made me want to go back and reread some of my blogs and I just had to laugh at myself.  Some things that one day so amazed me and seemed like a new phenomenon in my faith walk I said so casually only a few days or even hours before.  Haha.  

Jesus makes me laugh.  When He does so my heart does this little pulsing type of thing where it wants to scream out in loud fits of laughter.  So weird.  I went to try to scream out the laughter just now but a yawn came out instead.  It is still pulsing cutely. I tried again... Another yawn. I need to sleep.   

/Nasty/

I just killed this super nasty large bug thing crawling over my bed as I sat here not yet asleep with the lights still on.  I am kind of grossed out about going to sleep. But I figured... in the next year that might not be so out of the ordinary for my sleeping arrangements so I should get used to it now.  But I will share my re-occurring absolutely disgusting dream that with the many times I have had to kill spiders right before I fall asleep I am scared to death of hatching out spider eggs.  Eww.  Why do thoughts and dreams like that have to happen?  And worse off gross people like Emily have to share with the public.  Sorry guys.  Back to myspace managing for Jonathon. I love him.

Rockstar Boyfriend. 

Starbucks Bathroom Quarter

So I just cannot hold in this amazing story.  Tonight as I spent hours with my dear friend LB we just searched scripture together and shared our hearts and passions like dear friends do.  We reached a point where with tears in our eyes we felt the same desire to travel the coast of California by backpack only.  With a couple shirts, a map and love for everyone we meet.  With all of the joy of this conversation ranting about being on an adventure with God trusting every step and choice into his hands I almost peed myself.  So I went to the bathroom.  {Quick backtrack in my life:  I have this new found post it note ministry I think everyone should do.  Every public place I go I leave a post it note somewhere that someone will find.  It has a message that I feel on my heart to write, simple or deep, and I pray that God would bless the person who finds it and speak to their heart through it.  It is way fun not knowing but trusting that God WILL use it}  So I am peeing and I look down and see a quarter by the garbage can.  Instantly my heart loudly said, "God will ALWAYS provide"  I was like. Awesome God! I am totally going to post it note that quarter somewhere.  It will definitely encourage the one who finds it with how hard times are now. Blah blah blah. I was pumped about it.  Than I picked it up to put it in my pocket and noticed the tails side of this quarter was a California quarter.  I cried right then and there in the Starbucks bathroom.  That post it note I had planned to write for someone God had already written for me!!  How he takes time to do things like this for me is amazing because He is in love with me.  Pitiful, wretched, adulterous, selfish and scared little girl that I am.  He loves me. No matter.  Mark Buchanan states God's amazing love compared to ours like this.   

"What if God loved as I did- proportionally, moderately, prudently, frugally, as it suited Him?  When it was convenient.  When there was charm in the other to woo Him.  When there was something love-worthy in the other, something there to draw love out.  When there was a twinge of guilt, a nagging sense of personal debt." 

Ouch.  That is exactly how I love.  How I love my family, my friends, Jonathon, my enemies, strangers, and most disgustingly how I love my God. My Creator. My Redeemer.  My Best Friend. My Savior. My All in All. My Shepherd. My Strength.  My Counselor. My Lover.  That is where I mess up.  I sometimes get so consumed with how God is mine that I brush over the fact that I am His.  I am His.  He does not need me.  I need Him.  He does not need my love, he desires it.  I cannot live without his love.  Without the Love of Jesus my life has no purpose.  Without his love there would be no reason to love anyone else.  No reason to bite my tongue when I am angry.  No reason to overtip my waitress.  No reason to reach out to the hurting in this world.  No reason to leave post it notes for people.  God is Love.  And he lavishes that on my every day all day.  When I am making mean comments to my sisters, he loves me.  When I am judging someone based on their outward appearance he loves me.  When I am engrossed in the things of this world rather than of Him, he loves me.  When I expect more from Jonathon than I am willing to give, he loves me.  My God loves me even when I deliberately act in ways that disgust him to no end.  

Oh Who am I that you are mindful of me?

I am so amazed that God not only knows the number of hairs on my head but also every deepest thought of my heart and mind.  I cannot even keep up with my mind or the rate at which my heart races (Thanks to too espresso on many occasions).  But God knows it deeply and intimately.  

I am His.  He chose me.  Wow. 

Mornings.

I have fallen in love with waking up with my Savior.  He is so great to hang out with and I am so blessed that it is only 620 am because that means I have 40 minutes before I have to leave for work and I am going to read the leaf chapter! :)

PS. If you read this, than you are probably in my life, and I love you so dearly.  God has truly taken care of me through the people he has placed around me.  You all are so beautiful. 

The Holy Wild.

I am two chapters into The Holy Wild by Mark Buchanan and I just love it already!  

I like books where it is hard for me to mark anything up because I am so busy devouring it to pieces I do not have time to stop with a pen to underline a sentence for the .04 seconds it takes.  But I will recap with the few underlines I have that might not make sense without knowledge of the surrounding text, but oh well. I love this book. 

"It is hard for us to rest in God, because it is hard for us to trust."

"...life where we walk with the God who is surprising, dangerous, mysterious, alongside us though we fail to recognize him, then disappearing the minute we do."

"Of course he isn't safe.  But he's good."

"There is no other stream."

"What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us."

"Disciples follow Him, bewildered as they often are"

"When all God intends is for us to speak friend and enter."

"Wait, God says.  Be Patient.  It will all work out in the end."

"The only people for whom this comes as a word of consolation are those who are not presently suffering."

"The righteous, he says, will live by faith"

"I've learned from Justine one of my best and deepest lessons yet as a pastor, as a Christian, as a man: the need to know God so well that, even though He slay me, yet will I worship Him. 

Because He's good."

I just read the title for the next chapter is The Testimony of Leaves  God's Faithfulness.

I am so itching to read it!! This last October I experienced my first "God Leaf".  I just loved it so much and everytime I hear anything about leaves I think of the glory and beauty of God.  It made me re fall in love with the season of Fall.  That leaf spoke to me on the...

Can I just stop now and tell you I am crying.  God is so amazing and beautiful and ohhhh! Okay. I have to share this is so amazing and it may be so mixed up but I will share anyways. Oh I love my God and all he does and shows me.  Seriously. Let me begin by writing my journal entry word for word from October 26, 2008 while I was on the Watershed retreat with a group of girls from Lighthouse.

Jeremiah 32:16-35

God yesterday on our walk you made a leaf stand out to me.  I placed it in my Bible knowing full well you would speak to me through where that leaf was placed.  It was as I was praying to understand who I really am.  Than as I went to read it later that night I saw the title Jeremiah Prays for Understanding.  I was thrilled with joy and excitement to read yet you told me not yet.  This morning as I opened up my Bible you allowed me to read that passage and I am moved.  The way you responded to Jeremiah felt like you were speaking directly to my heart and I praise and adore your active and living word for that.  Nothing is too big for you God!  Nothing is too hard for you God.  I feel humbled and amazed by that knowing in that you are questioning me.  "Is it too easy for me? Is it too small for me?"  I love having the confidence that nothing is too big for you God and nothing is too small either!  Glory and Praise to you!  That is a beautiful and assuring thought!  I will cling to that. 

Backtrack to the middle of the sentence I stopped in.  I peeked and I just read a page into that chapter I was so anxious to read and come upon this...

"I have never thanked God for a single leaf.  Which is the problem with faithfulness:  We hardly notice it.  Faithfulness is, by definition, the predictable, the habitual, the sturdy, the routine."

Then I cried at how many times God can speak to me through one single leaf in the past three months. I love him.  So I went back into Jeremiah to find exactly what it was and I read the underlined verse of 32:41  "I will rejoice in doing them good, and I will plant them in this land in faithfulness, with all my heart and all my soul." (ps. last chapter was that God is good if you didn't pick up from the quotes).  Than I cried more and sought out my journal entry for that date and found it and that is why I love journaling!  I love my Jesus.  I cannot get enough of him.  I have ten hours with lovely children tomorrow and need my rest but oh how I hate closing my bible and calling it a night........Plus a refilled on tea and have some more to finish :)

Psalm 31

verses 23 and 24

"Love the Lord, all you his saints!

The Lord perseveres the faithful

but abundantly repays the one who acts in pride.

Be strong, and let your heart take

courage,

all you who wait for the Lord!"

I love my God and Savior.  

2 Timothy 4:5

"As for you, always be sober-minded, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist,

fulfill your ministry."

2 Corinthians 12: 10

"For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.  For when I am weak, then I am strong."

My lemony minty tea is still very hot and although I want to sleep I cannot sleep well knowing that I wasted two lovely tea bags and a huge mug of hot water.  So I will not sleep until it is empty :)  

Tea is such a blessing, it really is. 

Sabbath.

If my crazy passion to not go to church on Sunday mornings was only so that God and I could have today together.  I would be okay with that.  I am going to worship with my family next week.

Today I feel like was officially my first Sabbath.  And by Sabbath I mean like real Sabbath.  God and I had a pretty intense, challenging, and just comforting day.  It is pretty difficult to describe what he has been doing to my heart but I just cannot get enough of him.

Seriously, I am so in love.  I am completely unworthy for what he has revealed to me and what he wants to do with my life.  He makes my heart so stinkin glad.  I know times are hard.  The unknown can be difficult to grasp but the love that keeps my family strong is from Christ alone.  Because my parents chose to build our house on his sure foundation, though the storms come we will not fall.  We are God's and he is faithful to his word when he promises he will take care of us so he will.  It is as simple as that. 

Two months ago God told me so clearly to my heart not to register for classes.  There was no doubt in my mind that the Spirit of God was speaking to my heart and I had to listen to him.  Everyone around my convinced me I needed to register, that I needed health insurance and the like.  I do not blame them.  It makes sense.  But I was assured of what God placed on my heart and I chose to listen to man rather than God.  I am paying the consequences now.  Silly me.  I praise him and for what he is going to do with me while I am not in school.  Either he needs me right now to labor or he needs me to spend every moment I can to get to know him better and prepare my heart for what is to come.  Either way I am happy.  I just pray that God would keep me confident in my choices to follow him that no matter how many people try to tell me I am being illogical or making bad decisions I could rest assured in the peace that I am following my maker and provider in his will.  I love my God.   And I am so unworthy to be called his.  But I am his.  And words cannot express the joy that brings.  

Super great.

My family just found out that my dad's old church is not even going to give us a dime.  The only reason I am upset is because I wanted to drop my classes now that it doesn't matter for insurance but it is too late to get any money back.  I feel it super heavy on my heart to withdraw anyways... Hmm.  Convince me of otherwise. 

I could not pray the whole way home :(

I babysat my cousins about forty minutes from my house today.  I was super pumped for my drive home because car rides are great prayer times, even if it makes you run red lights and into the back of red trucks.  But this thing sometimes happens when I pray.  Where my body is overwhelmed with this crazy indescribable peace.  This usually takes over my arms where they are basically immovable.  I absolutely cannot get enough of times like this because I feel like God is just speaking to my heart and taking over my body saying something like, "You're praying to me because you trust that I can do whatever it is you are asking, no matter how big or how small, so let me do it."  I love this confirmation that God is going to answer my prayers.  This feeling of I do not have to even move my arms because he has all of my hearts desires taken care of and during whatever it is at the time he is just telling me to stop, wait, and let Him.  When I begin praying I can feel the Spirit most often and know when my body is going to feel this.  As soon as I pulled out of the driveway I felt it and was sad because I figured driving home from Detroit, past midnight, without directions, a mind and heart lost in prayer and immovable arms probably was not the greatest idea.  So instead I just praised His name on the way home with the same mix of lighthouse songs that is always on.  I made it very safely home and after starting a super cozy fire I am curled up on the couch ready to let Jesus put me to sleep.  He is so good like that :) Oh I love him!    

Fabulous.

My cousins are great.  Molly put pig tails in my hair and lined my hairline with different types of clips.  Audrey coated on about four layers of gooping lipsticks and put on clip on earrings and Molly told me I looked fabulous! Oh the joys of being a princess who models down the hallway of a runway while getting my pictures taken by the amazing Audrey photographer.  I would post some of my most recent modeling pictures but they are on her camera and maybe a little embarrassing :)

I want to serve.

I want to serve the many people God has placed in my life and is going to place in my life.  

I want to do it not because I should or the Bible says so, but because I love them.  

I want to so deeply love the people that are in my life that I look past anything external and search deep into their eyes.  

Not only do I want to see the pain and hurt I want to feel it.  

I want my heart to break with others and my eyes to fill with tears over the struggles that people are going through.  

I don't only want to feed the poor but I want to learn why they can't afford food.  

I do not only want to shelter the homeless but I want to know why they don't have a home.  

I want to stop and talk to the people sitting on the streets that people call crazy.  

I do not want to just throw a few nickels into their can but take them out to dinner, where we can talk and learn about each other.  

I want to sit and hang out with the homeless while across the path everyone in their bikinis is enjoying the sunny beaches.  

I want to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches when I am eating alone to save my money for dinners with the hungry.  

I want to take public transportation and talk to the people around me.  

I want to compliment the lonely woman on the beauty of her eyes, play a game with the child too tired to hold his head up, and tell the bus driver to enjoy the rest of his day.  

I want to overtip at restaurants because it will take the waitress by surprise and write her a note telling her how amazing she is because it will make her smile.  

I want to take off my shoes for the girl walking without any.  

I want to say hi to the man in the business suit too focused to look at anyone he speeds by.  

I want to read to the elderly because their family has abandoned them.  

I want to play peek a boo with children in the car next to me at toll booths, behind the rack of white t-shirts at salvation army, across the restaurant, and at the hospitals.  

I want to write letters to people I love and leave Bible verses taped to walls of public buildings. I want my days to be consumed with love for people that I will do anything it takes to make someone smile.  

I want to share my faith with everyone I meet because Jesus is the greatest and his love is unconditional and overwhelming.

I want to soften someone's heart so they are open to let the love of Jesus Christ invade and take over. 

I want Jesus in my heart always.  

I am so in love with him.  He never lets me down.  He loves my heart when it is too rotten, leads the way when I am lost, speaks to me when I am at a loss for words, kisses my cheek when I feel alone, wipes away my tears, tugs on my hand encouraging me to leap, washes me with his blood every time I fail him.  He never lets me down.  I am so in love with him.  

I want Jesus in my heart always.  

Too funny for words.

I stole this from Lisabeth's blog.  Seriously.  This is hilarious.  I almost peed myself.  I love kids.

Life.

Is exciting.  I cannot get enough of the dear friends God has placed in my life.  My amazing family that is honest, encouraging and just dang beautiful.  My nephew. AHH!! Tea. Lovely lovely children that make me smile more than anything.  A rockstar boyfriend that is super in love with Jesus.  A job.  Beautiful Kairos girls.  My Jesus that has saved my life and given me a purpose to live and a hope for my life eternally with him.  Teapots. Blogging.  Being vulnerable.  Being honest.  School is lame but I am blessed with the opportunity that many people only dream of.  Cars.  Inner cities.  A place where I can freely worship my Lord and Savior with hundreds of people my age without guns drawn to our heads.  The freedom to carry my Bible around in my purse.  Feather pen journal.  Guatemala journal.  Kairos journal. Detroit Barbeque. Dinner.  Getting my hair and make up done to be a model by the greatest little cousins.  Photoshoots with Jonathon by the amazing photographer Lisabeth Conger.  God leaves from a beautiful Watershed retreat.  Praying without ceasing.  Raisins my salad. The eyes of the homeless, broken hearted and struggling.  The hearts of the amazing women who encourage me.  Falling into the grace of God.  Listening to the same playlist of lighthouse songs every day.  The living and breathing word of God that is so active and meaningful.  Opaque Sages. Memorizing scripture.  Being improbable.  Living for God and not the dying ways of this world.  Going to California.  Loving people, all people.  The mug that is holding my black tea right now.  Royal Oak.  Fireplaces.  Having time to myself.  Not working 14 jobs.  Meeting new people and hearing their stories.  Not watching tv.  Making smoothies.  Not buying coffee at Starbucks.  Turning my cell phone off.  Driving my amazing car Irma.  Having a wonderful mechanic who loves Jesus and does not cheat me out of the little money I make but saves me as much as possible. The Holy Spirit rocking this world.  Hot water that burns my tongue.  Road Trips.  Having to change and leave for work so I am not late... 

broken hearted.

It is crazy to me how the entire night can be spent so on fire and ready to take on the world... but in such a brief amount of time the heart can be so overwhelmed with pain that it hurts too bad to sleep.  45 minutes ago if God would have said "Go", aside from a quick bathroom break I would have been in my car saying "Where."  If he were to say "Go" now... I would say, please wait God, my heart hurts too bad to get out of bed.  I am ridiculous.  

Let's quote it up.

"And I think that's what our world is desperately in need of - lovers, people who are building deep, genuine relationships with fellow strugglers along the way, and who actually know the faces of the people behind the issues they are concerned about."

-Shane Claiborne

"These twelve Jesus sent out with the following instructions: "Do not go among the Gentiles or enter any town of the Samaritans.  Go rather to the lost sheep of Israel.  As you go, preach this message:  'The kingdom of heaven is near.'  Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse those who have leprosy, drive out demons.  Freely you have received, freely give.  Do not take along any gold or silver or copper in your belts; take no bag for the journey, or extra tunic, or sandals or a staff; for the worker is worth his keep."

-Matthew 10:5-10

"We do need to be born again, since Jesus said that to a guy named Nicodemus. But if you tell me I have to be born again to enter the Kingdom of God, I can tell you that you have to sell everything you have and give it to the poor, because Jesus said that to one guy, too. But I guess that's why God invented highlighers, so we can highlight the parts we like and ignore the rest."

-Shane Claiborne

We turn to God for help when our foundations are
shaking only to learn that it is God shaking them.
- Charles West

I have so many more I want to type but Jonathon just called and I have to fight for every chance I get to talk to him now that he has roommates!! I love him so much.

oh and ps. Im still way in love with Zechariah. oooo. I look forward to reading through that book as well.

New.

Sometimes I think God takes new, vulnerable, and willing people to do amazing things that people with earthly wisdom would deem foolish.  I am so confident that what is coming is going to be nothing short of amazing and I wait in preparation for God's molding and anticipation for the world's mockery and shame.  Call us crazy, because we are :)

 

I feel like I should write.

I just want to shout out to the world what Jaime and I feel on our hearts to do.  But part of me wants to hold back.  I do not want people to know me as someone who says she is going to do something and then never does.  If something falls through in what might happen in this next year I do not want people to disregard what I might have on my heart in the future. 

But I just cannot contain my joy and excitement for what is to come.  I am excited to live an adventure and to be daring.  To be vulnerable and loving.  

On Sunday I posted the most mixed up blog ever about how crazy God is and how amazing my friendship with Jaime is.  Well we had this crazy idea that is totally of God.  We have asked a few people to pray for it looking for God's confirming answer without giving them any information.  They have and it has been great and intense.  We have been praying over the Bible before opening it and asking God to speak to us through what he leads us to read, and he has.  I want to say it is a little bit scary, because it is.  He is asking us to do something out of the ordinary and out of our comfort zones if we're being honest here.  But I guess that is what happens when you tell God you're willing to be and do whatever he wants of you. 

I know this is so ambiguous, but I am just so excited about it I could not hold it in anymore.  I will post more details when I have the time and information.

Kairos starts tomorrow and I am so excited!  I already way love the girls in our group.  

ps.

I cannot stop looking at pictures of Zechariah.  Every time I see his face I get all giddy and butterflies inside.  I have this paper that is due tomorrow.  It is going to be pretty lame considering I am an aunt and have obligations already..... like I stare at pictures and just pray and praise God for how amazing he is to create such a beautiful precious life.  Oh geeze. I should try to get this paper done before our house guests arrive and I have to be considerate and not type on my computer while my new roommate tries to get some rest before her speaking engagements tomorrow!!

I can't stop smiling. I want the whole world to see this boy.   

Zechariah Miller Thayer

I love being an aunt already!! 

Zechariah Miller Thayer

6 lb 15 oz

20 in

5:04 pm

February 3, 2009

In love.

I cannot even imagine how it is going to feel being a mom.  The emotion that overwhelmed me when I saw and held this beautiful baby was near unbearable.  I could not get enough of him.  I already miss him and I have only spent a brief hourish with him. 

Most mixed up blog full of crazy thoughts ever.

Okay so I have this friend.  And basically she is super dear to my heart. The past three hours have been pretty intense and I love it.  We have this thing where basically we are the greatest God friends ever and He just super speaks to us all of the time through each other and challenges us and convicts us and reveals his word to us and the list just does not end of what he does when we are together.  Tonight was not any different. Except that he laid out this new possible ministry that would seem fitting to us but absolutely insane to every one else, which is a typical God thing to do of course.  That cannot have any more detail until we have a confirmed answer from him.  Let me just say never try to even begin a tentative plan for the next year of your life or say that you could never do something.  Because God might take those two things in two lives and be like, oh just kidding, here you go.  Woohoo. Love him so much.

Now for more detailed God stuff.  Basically I might piss people off here and you can tell me I am wrong all you like, but I am absolutely as of today done "going to church".  Sunday morning I will not step foot into another church building.  I do not know how long this is going to last. But basically I am going to home church it up.  I have had this one my heart for some time now, been praying about it a lot, and am done just thinking, reading and praying about it.  I bet God is looking down on me and being like, "Seriously Emily?  You want me to give you more reasons, every day I have spoken to this topic, now your praying about it is just turning into an excuse to procrastinate!"  And I think He would be right, because he is God and he is always right of course.  

1 Corinthians 2:9- But, as it is written, What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him. 

2:14- The natural person does not accept the things of the Spirit of God for they are folly to him... 16...but we have the mind of Christ

Galatians 1:10- For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God?  Or am I trying to please man?  If I were still trying to please man I would not be a servant of Christ. 

1:16...I did not immediately consult with anyone

Philippians 4:13- I can do all things through him who strengthens me!!

Colossians 3:1- If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-22- Rejoice always. pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.  Do not quench the Spirit. Do not despise prophecies, but test everything, hold fast what is good. Abstain from every form of evil. 

2 Timothy 1:9... Who saved us and called us to a holy calling, not because of our works, but because of his own purpose and grace

Hebrews 3:15-As it is said, Today if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts as in the day of rebellion.

Hebrews 11:8... And he went out, not knowing where he was going.

Ezra 8: 22-23... The hand of our God is for good on all who seek him, and the power of this wrath is against all who forsake him. So we fasted and implored our God for this, and he listened to our entreaty.  

I cannot take time to review the looks of this or spell check or whatever. Time to pray. My God is so good and I just want to pray and praise his name forever.  Oh to have a crazy God!! Love Him. 

There is so much more but so little time. Good night.