Here it is.

So nothing is going to change. I am not going to go into details for the entire world so I am sorry for the ambiguity. But Jonathon and I have officially broken up as of last night. All I will say is that there was no infidelity involved. This was between us alone. With that said. I am not going to hide my pain. It's there. I feel like at some point coming up I should run out of tears and from the size of the bags under my eyes I wish it would happen quickly. My heart has not relented in the physical aching and I have eaten three green beans all day today because the thought of food makes me gag. Even in all of that, I trust God. I trust my heart into his hands and I know that when the fire comes it will subside and I will be closer to the woman he has created me to be. And in that I do rejoice. After a night of maybe two hours of sleep at the most and nonstop prayers to my Father I crawled out of be reluctantly for work. I didn't want to go. I didn't want to face anyone. My family showered me with love and I just want to stay curled up with my mom and dad all day as they prayed over me. But I couldn't bring myself to be one of those dumb girls who is so beat up about a break-up she feels the need to cancel everything and sulk. So I went to work. Upon my arrival two amazing children ran up to me with the proclamation "Emily!!!" "Minnie!!!" We embraced. They kept wanting more hugs and more kisses and it took everything I had to not cry. They love me. They love me like only a child can love. Looking past my puffy eyes and baggy pants and loving me. My second diaper change of the morning was with a precious boy who I just cant get enough of his intense hugs and smacking kisses. My heart hurt and as I changed him I told him how much I loved him. He than proceeded to spit out a fast and slightly mumbled "I Love You." Never has he said that before. I cried. Right there. All day I just received text after text of Bible verses and reminders that I was being prayed for. I have never felt so loved. Never felt so washed in prayer. Never felt like my heart mattered so much. In all of this pain I have realized the people that care. The people that choose to love me selflessly. I barely know how to handle it. Jaime came over to work out with me the dear soul mate that she is. We talked and before she left we prayed. Oh how I love our prayers. Then I had to return a phone call I partly wanted to avoid. A dear friend I met in California. Our paths cross rarely and when they do it is always blessed. She felt a tug to call me because obviously God is amazing. She had no idea what was going on. I listened to her share everything about her life. Her engagement, her wedding and the marriage. Then the inevitable question about Jonathon and I came, considering that is how we know each other and where our connection first was. I wanted to lie. I wanted to say fine and brush it off. I didn't want to tell another person about it. But I had to. God spoke through her and I am pretty sure she didn't even realize it. Then as her son was needing to get out of the bathtub she told me she wanted to pray over me before we hung up. I cried. Oh what love. Who would have thought that at a point where it would make sense I would feel the least loved and cared for, I would feel so overwhelmed with true love and care that words cannot even describe it. My heart will slowly stop aching I am sure of it. Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to eat breakfast. For the first time today I have not heard a word from my best friend and love of 2 years and 8 months. But God has us. And as we continue on our ways apart, something I never imagined, I know that God will work something big and beautiful. I mean, he is the creator of the universe. If he can hold all of the galaxies in place I am pretty sure he can hold two pitiful lives that are but a mist in comparison to eternity. There's the Truth.