Of course Irma is fine. She would never let me down!

I love my car.  

That's it.

Cheers to you Irma.

My beloved car has momentarily abandoned the pact we made with each other.  I promised her I would never let another own her until my life called me out to California and she guaranteed me that she would never leave me hanging where I would have to purchase another car.  No car could compare.  

My car is a big joke to Jon Ketchum and many others.  Pushing on her 23rd year of life and running beautifully Jon likes to so often remind me that every time he steps inside her he feels like he is in an Audrey Hepburn movie.  (This is the greatest compliment to me though due to my admiration of Audrey).  He also tells me that he fears for his life.  His new one today was that Irma would soon need a pace maker.  I am not the abusive type but as I was driving I jumped to Irma's defense and hit him.  Little did I know that as we sat down in Irma a few hours later before the eleven o'clock Christmas Eve service her starting capabilities would fail her.  If Jonathon was not laughing so hard I can assure you I would have been in tears.  As we drove to the service in a not so amazing car Jonathon just kept reminding me that Irma died and did not even have time for the pace maker.  

I have full confidence that her abandonment is brief and with some love and encouragement we will be driving together very soon.  This past year we have been through so much.  She has gone everywhere with me and I just love her for that.  We have had some amazing adventures and I do not believe they are over.  No car will ever be as great as Irma and I am anxiously anticipating her return.  We have so much of our future planned!  It would break my heart to spend these plans with anyone but her. 

Overflowing Generosity.

I was almost brought to tears tonight opening gifts with some of Jonathon's family.  His parents bought me this beautiful winter coat, scarf and gloves.  People should not be allowed to be so generous, it makes a person like me speechless and fighting back the tears.  Even writing about it an hour later it is hard to not cry.  I received gift cards, shirts, and earrings.  They were all so beautiful and I could not be more thankful.  I was very adamant about not wanting gifts this year for Christmas, feeling all selfish and stuff.  But it is not so bad.  I had to get out of my little world and realize that this was God's way of providing for some needs that I was trying to ignore.  He is so good to me and never fails me.  

Jon of course has reminded everyone how well I am at weaseling my way into their family.  I don't mind.  It is nice to know that I would not be this accepted if he did not allow it.  I know we aren't married or engaged even, but they are family to me and I just love them for it. 

Christmas Eve

Craziness. 

I cannot believe it is Christmas Eve already.  

Well Jonathon and I are the dumb procrastinators who still have to go shopping today.  

I'll let you know if I make it back alive. 

Finally!! The pictures are loading!!

I am not one for being in front of the camera.  But when you have a photographer as amazing as Lisabeth Conger.  How can you not love it? 

Jonathon not mocking me, but "acknowledging my cuteness" psh. 

ERG!! It won't let me add anymore pictures.  

More to come soon!

Pictures!!!

So I am trying super hard to post some intense and amazing pictures of Jonathon and I... But blogger is not being very cooperative.

In the mean time check out some of Mandi Perkins music.  Not that I am biased because my boyfriend plays guitar for her or anything... But she basically rocks. End of story.

Mandi Perkins

I poked your eye.

A wonderful woman from work took pictures of Jonathon and I.  She is absolutely amazing!  Being a little camera shy and not very photogenic I was a little bit nervous.  But she showed us some during and I felt so at ease and amazed at how good Jonathon and I truly look next to each other :)  Just love it!! I will post a few of my favorite pictures as soon as I get them.  

If at any point you need pictures of anything; and I mean anything.  Jon and I aren't engaged or anything.  This was totally random and fun.  

Lisabeth Conger is the woman to go to!! 

Oh ps. If anyone thinks Jon is a nice guy. Think again.  As of last night my new name is Emily Renee Oinkel. Thank you very much. 

Oh and Jon is an amazing musician despite his mocking of my. 

www.myspace.com/jonketchum 

Check out a few of the songs he has written and recorded.  "Go" is my current favorite and I get chills as he sings the first few lines.  His voice is sensational.

We have his family's Christmas party to head out to so I should probably finish getting ready so when we are late he cannot turn the blame over to me.  :)

It is so fun to be young and in love just for the record!

Babysitting.

I am pretty much anti bringing anyone with me babysitting. I always have been and I still think I always will be. Yet today with the road conditions, car situations and family craziness Jonathon joined me. We watched two beautiful children who went to bed by eight. That gave us a solid four hours to ourselves. This was something I have selfishly needed since he has been back. I can happily say that we accomplished nothing! We did not get online or even glance in the way of a tv screen. We played a very miserable attempt of Truth or Dare where we were lazy enough to never get off the couch. I refused to try to break dance and he refused to try to take apart the Christmas tree and put it back together. Reasonable. We spent some time reading 2 Corinthians where we were reminded of Christ's strength through our weakness which was an absolutely necessary reminder at this time. We also had one of those conversations where one person talks for basically the entire time yet it feels like it was the most thorough discussion. (Believe it or not, it was Jonathon who did all of the talking.) I just love that.

In the middle of all of this serious and not so serious time spent together we noticed something very sad. I am completely and helplessly predictable. About 75% of the time after Jonathon makes a joke or comment to me he can say my response before I even begin it. This is depressing to me. What is even more depressing is that he can imitate me so perfectly that it basically sounds just like me. You should have heard it when we had a conversation. By we I actually mean Jonathon carrying on a conversation back and forth being both of us while I sat there silent and amazed at how well Jonathon listens to my very distinct responses. I am going to read the dictionary. I need new words and phrases to knock his socks off.

I am sleepy now.

Wow.

Yesterday was a day full of spiritual warfare times 56.
How blessed I am to fall asleep in the arms of my Creator.
How thrilled I felt to wake up surrounded by his overflowing mercy and grace falling down so heavily around me.
The snow is a beautiful reminder to me of how no matter how hard Satan tries to fight, Jesus has already gained the victory and will cover the world in his love and purity, leaving no sign of Satan's failed attempts to win us over.
I stand alive and smiling in the glory of God as he overwhelms me today.

A Beautiful Woman.

Due to the amazing small group Bible Studies Lighthouse Collective organizes called Kairos...   God has given me a new friend.  She is the most beautiful woman of God and it is so wonderful to have another girl speak truth to my heart when my mind is so clouded with my own ungodly thoughts.  Her name is Laura and I just love her.  When in conversation I feel God speaking through each other so powerfully.  She calls at the most opportune times and through a simple phone call I am reminded of God's timing and grace in my life.

Jon has spent the last two hours helping his little brother study for his Biology exam tomorrow.  Selfishly I wish the past two hours were spent with him cuddled up and holding me close.  But it has been so encouraging to see such a talented musician come home and humble himself to spend hours working to help his little brother succeed.  I am pretty darn blessed. 

Dad Jokes.

Kyle: Jon I think your laugh has changed.

Jon: Ya they were on sale yesterday at the store so I bought a new one.

Seriously?  He is going to be a pro at lame dad jokes. I just love it.

He is currently experimenting with "Livin' on a Prayer" chipmunk style.  Just for the record.  The joy this creates in him makes me laugh.  Hard. 

At church tonight the speaker was talking about the difference between fellowship and friendship.  I hate to confess to the fact that I do not have that many friends.  I mean I have friends.  But friends that I pray with, study the word with, challenge, and spill my heart to are very few.  I hope that this changes.  I am not proactive enough.  

Time for bed already.

My favorite is when Jonathon is running on three hours of sleep.   We have conversations like.

"Emily, why are you putting on so much chapstick?"

Because my lips are burning!

"Well, chapstick won't help, you need ice"

   Followed by completely straight faces.  There is no response necessary for that one.

How do you formulate the sentences?

Everything about me wants to write.  To take the pain I feel in my head right now and put it into word format.  To take the hurt in my heart and create an eloquent poem.  I want to write words into sentences into paragraphs into pages.  I want rhyme and reason into what I am feeling.  But that is just not possible tonight.  I have never hurt so deeply from one look into someone's eyes.  I have tonight.  The horrible thing is the mixed feeling I have about it.  I feel the hurt and pain and that is hard, but I feel a twinge of joy.  A small ounce of giddy little girl excitement.  It is strange.  But I feel so close to the man I love.  That closeness is something that I pray for and God brings to us steadily as the days in our relationship progress.  But tonight he flooded it upon me.  I praise God that He has created us to feel so closely, but am in complete and whole pain from what Satan is trying to work around us.  We will stand firm though.  Together we are strong and empowered by Him.  I rest assured in the glory Christ has already claimed as He walked out of the tomb alive and in His majesty.   

Fireman Sam.

Today has officially been the laziest babysitting day I have ever had. With this particular young boy a typical day consists of laying on the ground sleeping, hearing the bell ringing, putting on our imaginary boots and hat, running to the fire, putting it out, and running back to the firestation to sleep. This is continuous and unless I can distract him with something else for a brief ten minutes, we do this all day. Let me also share that the time of sleeping is simply the time it takes for me to get to the ground and get back up, not quite my idea of rest before putting out another fire. This crazy running around being a fireman is so joyous to me. I have been here since 9:30 am and we have yet to do that once. Instead we have spent over an hour watching Fireman Sam. If you know me at all I do not watch tv. Letting children I babysit watch tv is the biggest no no I could ever perform as a babysitter. End of story, that is how it has always been. So I feel defeated as a babysitter today. I mean, he did just have surgery on Wednesday so his desire to just sit and cuddle with me is understandable and even a little cozy for me since I just love cuddling with little precious two year olds. But I still feel like a lazy bum.

When he fell asleep for his nap I did the normal, run through and clean up the books we had read and wash the two plates and cups we had dirtied for lunch. But since in three hours I get to begin ...
sad midsentance meltdown.
I heard some whimpering so I almost killed myself trying to get off this rolly chair and tripping over a little child sized chair to see what was wrong. He was just out of bed as I got there and as soon as I knelt down by him I knew exactly what was wrong... Poor boy pooped himself. In all of his time potty training he never pooped his pants and once in the many many times I was over he peed himself. This kid's pro. So this pooping experience was clearly directly related to the surgery. He was an emotional wreck as I tried to get him cleaned up and back to bed as quickly as possible and I just hurt for him. The pain he was feeling physically and emotionally was in his eyes as he looked at me and his touch as he grasped my neck and put his cheek next to mine.

My excitement to be a mom is still here, but I just experienced a pain for a child I have not even known for over a year over an incident of pooping his pants! I did not conceive him or bear him. I was not there for his first steps or his first words. I did not hold him as an infant as he slept against my chest. If I can have that type of pain in my heart over poopy underwear of a child that is not even mine... I am going to be a wreck as a mother. I was about to type end of story but realized I say it too much and at very inappropriate times. Like the time earlier in this post I wrote end of story in the middle of my story. Clearly not the end.

Well my heart still hurts for him and the whole my hair is greasy and I am not wearing deoderant today to go pick up my killer awesome boyfriend from the airport in three hours and then spend all evening with him in my disgustingness but it does not even matter because last time I checked he even loves me when I am a nasty mess story I was about to tell does not really matter anymore. I am a weirdo and just want to go sit by my little boy until he wakes up.

End of Story.

Emily the Weaseler.

Jonathon just informed me today that I have successfully weaseled my way into his family.  Thanks to his younger brother who said that he thinks of me as part of the family and that I am his sister even though Jon and I are not yet married... Jonathon has no choice but to stay with me the rest of his life.  

 Thanks Roberto :) I love my little brother. 

Family.

I never thought I would be able to love another family like I loved my own. 

I was wrong.

I love Jonathon's family more than I could have ever imagined was possible.  

The end.

My boyfriend is so cute..

I hate Satan.

Loud and clear.  I hate him.  I want to throw up right now and I am repulsed by his very existence.  I have never experienced him so active as I have this past week and I am so angered.  Words cannot even express the hatred I feel.  I mean.  Well.  If I could face him right now, I would probably turn into a madwoman screaming and flailing my body at all possible attempts to rid this world of him.  If my sister were not sleeping so soundly one wall away I would probably be yelling out at him right now.  Telling him how I have never felt this extreme hatred before and he has no place near me or the people I love.  

On the other hand.  God never ceases to amaze me.  Seriously.  I know this world is hard and full of sin, but think about how easy He has made this for us.  We have to choose between two teams.  Like in gym class in fifth grade where there are the two captains choosing teams.  The only irony is that it is reversed.  It is the players who get to choose the team!  This on any other occasion would be a little tricky except there is a big banner over one team proclaiming, "It is Finished!  I have already won this battle!"  Could it be any easier?  I think not.  

If I would have been asked a year ago if I have ever been in the middle of a spiritual battle where God entrusted me to fight for Him... I would have said of course!  But now I have a whole different idea of what that truly means.  This week and these coming three weeks are going to be the biggest battle I have ever experienced.  For a brief moment tonight I questioned God.  

Am I ready for this?  Like seriously ready?  I mean this is a big deal!  I know we are close and all... but are we close enough?  Am I strong enough?

"No, you are very weak."

Okay so why are we doing this than if I'm not strong enough!  Shouldn't you use someone who is?!

"Where you are weak, there I am strong.  Let me be strong for you."

Okay but I don't have words.  You'll always give me the words right?

"When haven't I?"

Well never.  But God... 

I am scared. 

Oh. Thanks for being God. 

  

Poe.

My lovely sister Eujin just asked for help understanding Edgar Allan Poe's short story The Fall of the House of Usher.  I forgot how much I loved reading his works.  His description and intensity blows me away.  I think I might take some time this weekend to reread some.  We will see. 

thoughts.

I hate when I am so tired and emotionally drained that I am vulnerable enough to allow Satan to infest my mind with thoughts that deteriorate the woman who God has made me to be.  It causes my heart deep pain that sometimes makes it hard to breathe. When it is hard to breathe it is hard to cry.  So than my eyes hurt because of how badly they want to cry.... but how they just cant.  

I just want to shower and as the water falls over my body I want to feel Jesus washing over me through and through.  I want to find rest in Him before 2 o'clock this morning.  I need Him when Satan tries so hard to tear me apart. 

Satan.  You have no place here.  End of story.  

Musical Opinions.

At one point this weekend I sat down with Jonathon and his friend Mike and friend's brother.  We sat and listened to different songs that Jonathon and Mike have written together and individually and they were asking my opinions.  To me this was strange.  Jon always asks my opinions on his songs but I just assumed it was because he loves me and he was trying to involve me in the passion of his heart.  To have Mike (someone I had known for only five hours) seem genuinely concerned about what I thought blew me away.  Lets be honest with ourselves here.  When it comes to music. I know nothing.  I know if I do not like it or if it is worth listening to over and over again.  That is about it.

These past two mornings I have silenced my alarm for at least twenty minutes before I have woken up.  At that time of the morning I am dreaming that I am sitting next to Jonathon and Mike is at the computer playing different clips of music.  I am repeatedly telling them that I do not like it.  So ultimately I am silencing my phone over and over again asking them to show me something new.  I am not sure why this keeps happening and I really hope that it stops because I hate feeling so rushed in the morning.  I guess that moment meant so much to me that I keep trying to relive it over and over again.  I only wish I would tell them that I liked what they were showing me!  Maybe than I would wake up on time.  

I have felt so down since I have been back from California.  I guess for a few days I was reminded of how I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with Jonathon.  To wake up and read the Bible together in the morning, sit down and eat scrambled eggs out of the same bowl, pray together before we fall asleep, stand in painfully agonizing heels so he can be proud of me in front of his guys, and than lie down in my pajamas as he massages my feet at the end of the night.  I want to do the dishes every night because he hates to and listen to him do his vocal warm ups for an hour while I get ready.  I want to sit and watch TV shows I do not enjoy to watch Jonathon laugh.  I want to be miserable while I am being tickled beyond my tolerance just because Jonathon thinks it is fun.  I want to wake up with his arms still holding me as tight as they were when we fell asleep.  I want to be his wholly.  And I am still waiting.  I have always tried to deny the fact that I am an emotional girl.  But I am.  I cry a lot when I miss him.

My sister just explained to me that hormones interfere with her communication lines with God.  To be more specific.

"Hormones are anything but Holy." 

I love having a pregnant sister.

Wet Hair.

I am not a fan of going to sleep with wet hair.

But after a rigorous hour long taebo workout and a beautifully hot shower, the thought of blow drying my hair seems absolutely silly! I will sleep on wet hair, and love it entirely!  

Jonathon and I have decided a new way to grow together spiritually despite the distance.

Every Sunday we will alternate choosing a short passage to study in depth individually and together whenever we get the chance.  From that passage we are going to choose one verse to memorize.  God laid this on my heart Sunday morning as I sat at Starbucks in LA feeding on His word.  He once again reminded me the importance of having scripture written on my heart.  I asked Jonathon about this and a little to my dismay he could not have seemed happier about it.  I told him he should choose first.  This week we are looking at 1 John 3:4-10.  It is incredibly convicting in many ways and I do not think any person could read through and not feel the Word penetrate his/her heart.  Realizing the hectic week Jonathon has in front of him I sort of expected him to pick a short verse that we would have memorized by Sunday.  

No, he picked verse 10 which reads as follows: 

"By this it is evident who are the children of God, and who are the children of the devil: whoever does not practice righteousness is not of God, nor is the one who does not love his brother."   Ouch.  What I love about this passion God has laid on my heart to have his laws stored in my heart {Psalm 119:11... I had to look that up:(  is made clear through this verse that Jonathon picked out for this week.  In my attempt to memorize it I will be repeating it over and over again in my head.  In this I know that when any thoughts arise against a brother or sister I will be quicker to capture it when I repeat this verse in my head, knowing that if I do not love my brother I am not of God.  

Oh to be in love with Jesus! Joyous.

Speaking of joyous, I just love Psalm 84:2!! 

I will sleep now... or continue to lie in bed awake and function on four shots of espresso tomorrow... So unhealthy!! 

Christmas Presents.

Dilemma: Do not buy anyone any Christmas presents. 

Drop one class and buy Christmas presents for my family

Drop two classes and buy Christmas presents for my family and a very few friends. 

Who knows.. I have two more hours to decide. I will go work out until I make up my mind. 

boyfriend and girlfriend.

Jonathon and I usually act like little children who are far too goofy and cannot stop laughing.  I come riskily close to peeing my pants on a regular basis. 

But we can stand and  look good together. 

Seriously, no denying it. 

We are in love. 

Home.

After a red eye last night, work today, and class this evening I am still just as upset to be home as I was leaving last night.  Not many people get it.  They think I am being silly and should be okay because heck, I get to see him in thirteen days.  Not a big deal!  There is so much more to it than people will ever realize.  There is never a point in explaining because I get the whole, you're only nineteen deal.  You have other things to worry about than marriage.  Nineteen is too young to even think about marriage.  There could be someone else, you never know.  If only people knew.  

My heart aches right now.  I may get to see him in thirteen days.  But that is thirteen days I have to go without his hugs.  

Guitar

This was after the Oasis concert.  We were completely wiped out. 
    

I love when Jonathon practices guitar.  It is the greatest ever to see his passion and talent shine through when he is not even on stage in front of people.  That is one reason I am so confident he is going to make it.  It is not about the fame, but his heart.  I love that so much.  It is so beautiful to see and I only wish I could see it more frequently than I get to.  

My feet are killing me.  In the past two days I have a total of three new pairs of shoes.  Two of which Jonathon bought, one I did.  They are absolutely awesome shoes that I would never have pictured myself wearing.  The ones I am wearing tonight are particularly cute but I will end up soaking my feet in ice water at the end of the night I am sure.  I have a silly confession.  These past two nights I have gotten somewhat dressed up and I love it :/

  Oh and Jonathon just made me ravioli.  Love him.

Solution...

I love the song Solution by Hillsong. It is amazing, just for the record.

Oasis was amazing last night.  Something about that concert made my mind go crazy and there were some random things I felt these connections to.  For instance:  Liam is a weirdo.  In the middle of a song he will just stand there.  He looks as though he is zoning out entirely and is oblivious to the entire band around him rocking out and the Staples center full of people screaming.  At first I laughed.  It was funny. But after a little bit of time I felt this crazy connection to him.  This strange feeling that that was actually me standing up there, in the midst of chaos and spiritual warfare.  That it was so scary and intense that I could do anything but stand there, staring up to God and asking Him to do it for me because I am too weak.  

An amazing song is The Importance of Being Idle.  In it they sing, "I can't get a life if my heart's not in it."  I just realized how this stood true for so many Christians.  That they can believe in Jesus as their savior and their faith and love just stops there.  What a depressing life to be living.  The difference of believing in Jesus and having Him engulf your heart with His love and compassion is all that makes life worth living.  

At another point in the concert I was standing in front of Jonathon with his arms around me.  I entirely lost focus on where we were.  For a brief moment us standing at Oasis listening to whatever song they were playing was transitioned into a fall night two years ago.  That particular night we were standing exactly the same way, but instead of Oasis rocking out, it was the Goo Goo Dolls.  They were playing Let Love In and my stomach was filled with butterflies and my heart was pounding like it was at that early point in our relationship. 

All I Can Say by the David Crowder Band is also amazing.

I love itunes shuffle playing amazing worship music while we get ready to go out to the most amazing cafe ever created.

Cafe Audrey.  

Dinner

A couple favorite quotes from dinner this fine evening....

"We spent $50 on steak, heck, lets spend $20 on a dessert!"

-Jon

Jon: "When your dad and Eric sit there talking about football I have no idea what to say.  But when Eric brings up the new guns n' roses album..."

Emily: "Eric's real good like that"

Jon: "Ya he can really multitask"   ....

Time Change

Time changes are messed up.  

It does not help that the clocks in Jonathon's apartment all have different times. 

I woke up to the sun shining.  I walked out onto the balcony and felt God through the gentle wind that ran across my body.  He is so good.  

Starbucks is calling my name so we are going to head out, caffeinate ourselves, and hopefully find some new clothes for myself!  I love being able walk outside from store to store, it makes shopping a tiny bit enjoyable.  Plus I get to hold a real cute boy's hand.  What wouldn't be enjoyable with that perk?

I made it!

Despite a slight mix up in gate numbers I made it to California!  I guess when they tell you the gate number on your ticket, it is just a joke.  When I got to gate number 72 and saw three people flying to LA I knew I mixed up somehow.  The screens told me gate number eight.  That was a trek let me tell you.  

The dear boyfriend picked me up and he bought me some wonderful food to scarf down like a disgusting pig since I had not eaten in what seemed like days.  We did some grocery shopping and finally are home.  It may be 1230 here, but in my mind it is 330.  Im tired to say the least.  But we are going to watch two and half men. It is a dumb show, very dumb show if we're being honest. But I laugh because watching Jon laugh is funny.  Tomorrow we have the entire day to ourselves and I am thrilled!  We are going to do some major shopping and rock out with Oasis! 

Oh ya, and LA people are crazy.  Jon is not excluded from this stereotype.   :)

Post Secret

I love Post Secret.

It is heart wrenching and beautiful all on one page. 

I might even buy a book one day. 

This week someone sent in a secret saying,

 "I'm a little excited about the financial collapse"

I agree. 

Excitement is Tiring!!

I am too excited to sleep.

Tomorrow is going to be one of those days fueled by an excessive amount of caffeine and adrenaline that never fades.

I am predicting three, maybe four, cups of wonderful coffee down before I leave my house in the morning and a quad grande americano down before I get to work.  

It has been less than three days since I have last seen Jonathon...

and I am giddy like it has been months.  

I love that.  

California.

I am going to California tomorrow to see my boyfriend of two years who I am completely in love with.

I am nervous.

Very nervous.

There are many different reasons that would take me all night to write about, but I feel if I do not get them out I may never begin packing. I'm flying. Not a big deal. I have flown before, but always with adults who lead the way very effectively.  I may be nineteen years old, but I still feel too little to fly on an airplane by myself.  Plus; LAX is a scary airport.  It is huge and very intimidating to a first time solo traveler.  

My boyfriend lives in a studio apartment alone.  Good for him.  Bad for me.  The issue of where I would sleep was difficult to say the least.  Trying to maintain a relationship that has Christ at the center we did what we knew best.  We prayed and read the Bible for months in preparation.  What would we do?  To my parents grave disappointment I have full assurance in my heart that I am going to sleep at my boyfriend's apartment, yes, alone.  I am not sure why God is confirming it on my heart that this is okay when my parents (who I respect and adore so greatly) with much reason are very against this decision.  I spent the last two years of my high school career trying to gain my parents trust and respect.  Finally, I feel as though I have it.  My concern is that this one trip is going to make me have to start from the beginning.  It is hard.  I am so sure that God has given my clear guidance in this decision in ways that I cannot even express in words.  I only wish my parents would not think so little of my because of it.  My boyfriend and I do not and will not have sex until we are married, end of story no questions asked.  This trip would not be possible if I did not stay with him.  I am too poor and Jonathon will not leave me alone in an apartment in Hollywood.  God is going to work something big this weekend.  There is something that only I am capable of doing for God because He has made me so unique that no one else can do what He needs me for.  So I am going to listen and I am going, despite what some people very dear to my heart may think.  I just wish it would be something huge where I would come home and knock people's socks off when I tell them.  Maybe than they would understand why I feel this intensity in my heart.  But God works in ways that we sometimes never see. 

I have been out to California twice so far, with Jonathon's family both times.  Each time I have gone out it has been on a break from the school that he used to attend so I have met a total of 3 of his friends I think.  This time, I am meeting them all.  Actually there is a party on Saturday that I will meet everyone at supposedly.  Many issues arise with this.  From what I hear, Jonathon has talked me up a lot and I fear that when I meet these people face to face, I may not live up to their expectations.  Funny thing to be worried about when supposedly all I care about is pleasing God...hmm.. The last party I went to with excessive amounts of drinking is August of 2006.  Call me lame.  Truth of the story, I let drinking take over my life at such a young age and I let it define who I was.  God has completely removed that desire from my heart so much so that being around it almost feels repulsive to me. I am not worried about myself.  I will not drink.  That is not a question in my mind or a temptation even worth considering.  But I guarantee I will be hurting that entire night.  It will break my heart to see so many young people wasting their Saturday night away on such worldly and hurtful means.  I have this thing where I care about people so much so that my heart aches for them.  I am going to be very pained this weekend.  

Why so serious Emily? If you get grossed out easily, stop reading now.  

Today at work three beautiful women and I sat down together and among us a lovely conversation arose.  We talked about poop. Forever.  It was so intriguing to me.  I can honestly tell you that I loved everything about it. I am a very strange girl.

More gross things that a person should never share with the public? Okay.  Currently my shower has this draining problem.  Basically I have really thick hair that is always falling out in the shower and instead of throwing it away I just slide it aside with my feet., which does nothing.  It's my hair, I can do that.  Well because of this there is always this shallow pool my feet are standing in.  It is never a big deal to me.  In fact my feet often feel especially clean because of it.  But tonight I looked down and the water had a tint of brown in it.  It did not gross me out.  In fact, I was happy about it.  Honestly, I felt joy bouncing around in my heart.  I did not feel so selfish for a brief moment.  And than when I thought to turn the water to freezing cold to feel the uncomfortable feeling so many people are thankful beyond words for, I felt selfish again because I enjoyed my hot shower.  

Oh and I am going to a red carpet event on Friday.  I am not really sure what that means. All I know is that it is not some huge thing that is going to be televised but it is for some hair studio place.  Perfect timing for my goal to not adorn myself with the braiding of my hair of jewels.  :) 

And on the topic of all this California stuff. I love my boyfriend and respect him so much.  He has matured into such an amazing man of God these past two years and is living his life in a city that reminds me of Sodom.  He is not out preaching on the streets.  He is impacting people one heart at a time through the love he invests into his friendships and the Christian example he displays through his lifestyle and interactions with people.  God has blessed me so deeply.  Honestly, that amazing man of God is in love with me.  God surely does work miracles let me tell you.... 

Now I might start packing.. Might. 

First Blog :/

This is new to me and quite honestly a little strange.  I journal.  It is private. In the journal that never leaves my purse I cry out to God.  If you read through that journal you would read into my heart and my soul.  You would read the way God works in my heart and is unbelievable at times. And the times I feel like He is ripping my heart apart for a reason I may never understand.  

I have decided to change it up a bit.  With the influence of a couple coworkers and my father I have decided to stop keeping these things on such a private level.  So I will share my heart, life and my passion for writing that has faded over the past couple years.  I do not have a lot of time on my hands to sit in front of a computer and type away.  Quite honestly staring at a computer screen for too long gives me terrible headaches.  But I will give it my best shot.  Heck, I may even end up publishing a book a few years down the road. :)  

I guess I'll start off this blogging experience not by who I was or what I do, but by how I want to live my life.  It is something I will never perfect but by the power of God in my life I will continually strive for.  Any Christian woman out there never heard of the Proverbs 31 woman? I think not.  It may sound lame and a little typical, I get that, but oh how I long to be her one day.  To have that kind of love and devotion to my husband and family one day is something I pray that God will instill in my heart.  I do not think being a good wife and mother comes naturally to women despite what many may think.  It is something that I want to be prepared for, so ring or not, I am asking God to work that in my heart.  So one day when I marry the man God has laid out for the rest of my life, I can be somewhat prepared at least, to be the wife I know he will deserve.  That goes along with being a mother one day, something I only can hope God will bless me with.  

It does seem a little strange that the verses God has laid on my heart are all about marriage and being a good wife when I am not even engaged or expecting it anytime soon.  But, God works, so Ill just listen.  The other verse is 1 Peter 3:1-4.  It is beautiful.  I long to be "precious" in the sight of God so I will continue to pursue this verse in my everyday life.  

I love the scripture.  Honestly, I feel like I cannot get enough of it!  There is so much beautiful Love that will never be grasped in my lifetime no matter how deeply I study it.  The great faith chapter of the Bible, Hebrews 11, is amazing.  As a lifelong Christian I have often just skimmed through it in my personal reading with the mindset of, "mhm, heard it, know what it says."  The other day though, I got to verse 25 and had to read it over and over again!  I was in awe at how blind I had been.  My impression of Moses my whole life was the baby in the basket that all of the little alligators were trying to eat but God saved, turned murderer, turned man of God who hears God's own voice through a burning bush, turned coward, turned leader, turned prideful man who was killed by God because he was too stubborn and angry to listen to God's way of things.  I knew he was an amazing man of God who God worked great and amazing things through, but than I read verse 25 in Hebrews.  Moses chose "rather to be mistreated with the people of God than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin."  That struck me.  I thought I knew the life of Moses, I knew how God used him to show His power.  But for some reason in all of my "knowledge" I seemed to gloss over the fact of his choosing to be mistreated rather enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin.  Maybe it struck me so much right now because for the thousands of years between our lives I felt our hearts connect for a brief moment.  I wanted to sit down to a nice cup of coffee and hear him speak of the glory of God being so much more amazing and beautiful than any pleasures sin could lay upon him.  

As of tonight I want to hear Abraham speak.    Abraham who in verse 8, "went out, not knowing where he was going."  Right now in my life, I feel like the typical college student, not knowing where I am going.  I hate that I am placing myself into that mold of confusion because I know I am not really there.  That is just the easiest possible way to describe where I am at without getting into all of these crazy details of the past month.  Sufficient to say, I have no idea where I am going.  The issue I have is that if we are being honest here, I am not going out.  I am sort of sitting around waiting for God to be a little more obvious to my blinded eyes and dumb mind.  I have been praying so hard this past year that God would take my life and move it out of the ordinary, that I would not fit in with America's mold of how my life should look.  And now that He is about to change it, I wish He would give me a little bit more guidance and instruction.  That is where I need Abraham to speak to me.  Because if I really want my life to not fit into the mold, would I not go out?  Even though I may not know where I am going?  Oh God is surely a crazy God.  And I love Him for it.  

This was going to be a quick and short entry.  Funny when God moves it changes how we predict things will be, even as small a thing as a little blog entry that no one will really read.